A LITTLE BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION, COCO STYLE

 

BIRTHDAY SONG TRADITION

WE HAVE A TEENAGER! HAPPY 13th BDAY DEEDEE!

 

Celebrating you is the sweetest task each year... And the only task that also rips my heart in pieces. 

But you know what? I love this pain because it means I love you that much. 

Living life without your sunshine is simply not the same... You are my sunshine. God had to take you away because you needed it... I know... You went through so much, good and bad... Too early you learned the disappointments of people that you love so much who say they will be around, but they don't... Too early your little heart experienced life... You lived in a world of beauty, vibrant, filled with hopes and songs... And you lived in a world of humans where obstacles were the order of the day simply because they could not go beyond the physique and its limitations... You had to go, because even if it flipped our lives in the worst way, it meant that you will no longer need a ventilator, a wheelchair, physical therapy, hospital stays, cough assist, suctions and percussion... Of course, you must miss your movies, your Wonder Pets, your Pocahontas and Mulan, your teacher Mr. farina and your nurses Mashaela, Peronette, Marie... 

You must miss the marathon of taking you to the Museum Camp on Summers, visiting sharks at the Aquarium, being greeted by giraffes at the zoo... grasping the might of dinosaurs or just the lovely starry night at a campsite in the mountains... You must miss our adventures filling up the pool in our living room so you could move like a mermaid... You must miss our road trips, wary of the wheelchair when it was kept in the back of our small car and we feared potholes... You must miss meeting Kali and having her next to you while watching your favorite cartoons... Also having her during your classes as she turned out to be a very special assistant in your at home classes... 

You must miss how we celebrated everything! there was always an excuse to dress up in costumes and let imagination run wild! There were pop-up books that brought stories to life! And exercise with your running device... And bright hair colors because your "divaliciousness" was always spot on! Yes, you must miss being with me for so many hours while I beaded and braided your hair... when you held the little beads like precious stones while I slowly went on, strand by strand... You must miss sleepovers listening to the Spanish songs about the little ship that couldn’t sail, the curtains in the room, Mambru goes to war and the cat that was drowning in a well… Everyone wonders why Spanish kid songs are so tragic!

So many things you must miss… because I know I miss doing them with you. I remember you, your dreams, your passions… You wanted to be an animation artist. You looked forward to meeting Pocahontas in Disney. You looked forward to more campouts in the mountains… and to Trunk & Treating with new friends… and to doing therapy with horses with your very special friend… and visiting the sea again, but in your homeland Puerto Rico… and being with your family, all of it. The world was at your fingertips… You would dream it and we would make the wings so you would fly. God granted you real wings.

We miss your voice, little one… your voice that no matter what we always heard. And your sister misses growing up with you… looking up to you…

I know for you it will be a blink of a wait, waiting for us to be together again… Close your eyes and make your wish, baby girl… We will soon be there forever. In the meantime… Enjoy your family in Heaven… and visit often your family on Earth… And catch the sweet kisses we blow for you every night before going to sleep.

Loving you always. Remembering you always.

Happy 13^th birthday, dear Deirdre Valeria... May you watch over us and smile. We”ll be there soon enough, love. Until then, we will be, for you.

Keep shining on us!

Mommy, Daddy and Sis

CELEBRATING OUR DIVA

HAPPY 12th BIRTHDAY DEEDEE!

Dear Deedee:
Don't you ever think that we have forgotten you... You know very well that's not the case. We talk to you constantly, every day. Your sister always wishes for you, and I am certain she feels you very present in her heart. She sometimes get mad because you are not here with her, and she feels lonely... Well, it is up to you to let her know that she is never alone, and that you cover her with your lovely angel wings whenever she gets in trouble. We know you watch over her. We know you do so many little miracles for her... We know how you pamper her. Forgive her. Like us, she gets crossed because she cannot give you a big hug. Knowing doesn't ever agree with the heart...

Days are going so fast that I barely have time to catch my breath, or think about anything at all. I'm in the race, focused on making one dream come true so things fall into place. We are still misplaced, and you know it. You must get amused whenever we go crazy with our routines... You remember when I stayed up all night so many nights at the hospital, doing those webdesign projects? Nurses thought I was razy. You knew better. You slept soundly because you knew I was watching over you. That was my excuse to do so. I did my best to keep you safe... I hate that it was not enough.

So... I am studying. Sleeplessness has come back. Your sister was puzzled at why I had to study. She was baffled that me being "so old" was back in school. Well, one thing is certain, she is getting some modeling about being responsible and doing homework. Her reading has become flawless. She is into Harry Potter these days, and read the first 3 books quite fast. Now she's into the audiobooks... I wonder if you would have become a Potterhead too... Since you liked adventure and fantasy I'm inclined to think so. You were a tough cookie, but your mind was always flying into world of adventure and magic and songs. You would be into things like "Harry Potter: The musical". You were quite in deep with music... The soundtrack of your life is quite varied... and beautiful. A mix of metal and pop. Sugar and spice.

This summer was much bittersweet... I thought camp would be good for your sister, like it was with you... What you experiences in the Camp at the Newark Museum and that weekend at Camp Pontiac was amazing and powerful. You were surrounded by love, and experienced how love works. Kali is far from experiencing that... You know she has some issues... even if she's very bright and caring, she's been facing a mean world. Camp was ok for her, but she didn't really want to go because the people were keeping her apart. she felt so lonely... It broke my heart to listen to her. I did not expect what I heard. And on top of that, she cries and asks why you couldn't be here with her.

What can I say? What can I do? I miss you the same. I encourage her to look for you in everything that she do. Last week we went to Sea World. As we walked towards the entrance a butterfly fluttered around her, and then followed us for a while. When she saw it she immediately light up and exclaimed: "Deedee is with us". You know it. You always see this. I bet you smile being proud of her and of how she keeps you present. When we passed by Sesame Street, I had this knot in my throat... The little waterpark brought back so many memories of the Sesame Place... Remember how we covered everything in your wheelchair with plastic bags, and daddy just rolled you into all the sprinklers and streams? You had such a blast! You loved every second. Being there near the water sprinklers made me cry. Bittersweet memories... A perfect moment in time... We were surrounded by you. Yes, I know. You made your presence real strong last Sunday. Your birthday gift to us. "Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away... On my way to where the air is sweet".

Remember this?

Bush Gardens, VA

Sesame Place, PA

Sesame Place, PA

We miss you so much...

Visit often, my love. We all need to have you around, even if just in spirit. Your sister needs you. Daddy needs you. I need you.

Hopefully we'll look at the starsand find the peace that only your eyes could give me.

Happy 12th birthday, my precious diva.

Love... Always.

REMEMBERING OUR DIVA: 6 YEARS ANGELVERSARY

One moment frozen in time, frozen in carbonite to be repeated again and again throughout eternity... One moment that changed everything in our lives, forever.

From that moment there is nothing else that trying to climb up, up, out of the rabbit's hole. That moment was rock bottom, total destruction of so much built... our castle of glass shattered beyond repair, all fragments pulverized by the sudden, merciless impact.

Where do we go from becoming numb yet feeling all your inner self ripped apart? Where do you go from the horror of total helplessness while everything moves around you at warp speed... while your reaction is slow... too slow to utter a complaint... too slow to even react with screams or tears...

It was a moment that went by and faded away for many... but one strong moment of heavy repercussions and instant constant of pain and anger and grief and sadness and loss. It is a constant that is ongoing and with each repetition keeps travelling through time and space with stronger momentum and deeper piercing.

It has been 6 years since we lost our beloved diva, our first daughter, our champion of dreams, our inspiration for doing anything... Losing her... we lost everything. We lost ourselves. We broke, pulverized heart and soul. The worst and the unthinkable danced in front of us, like a ghostly image that we could not touch... The heartbreak is still there. Six years have not made it better. The images of paleness and blood and strangers maneuvering attempts at miracles are as vivid as it was then... We had hoped for a soft ending filled with warmth, a lovely letting go. Nothing could have prepared us for the cruel slap in the face that was fast, unmerciful, raw... Yes, raw is the right word. Nothing can surprise us now, as we lived through raw horror.  The feeling keeps its resonance each morning and each night. It has not changed. Looking for her at our side keeps on being an instinct... We are a family of 4, not 3. The sheer happiness of staring into her eyes, of making the impossible possible is just gone. Trying to keep living implies fighting off this force around your throat that makes you gasp for air... It is a constant drowning.

Six years... to look back and realize the beauty of time past. How beautiful she made every morning and every night. It was magical waking up and going to her, knowing she had asked for me... just knowing. We had a silent link. I knew what she wanted, I knew what she was thinking, and I knew what she was dreaming of. I knew what broke her heart. I knew her wins, her glory, and her struggles. She never gave up. She fought until the end... And then some. The best of me was in her. We were entwined, synchronized souls. And her departure... her departure was like when you reap away part of a plant taking some roots... Yes, she was planted elsewhere and she has bloomed to perfection in His garden... But here remains the hurting core, whose scar won't stop bleeding, whose zen and balance and cause simply vanished. How not to miss her? How to go on?  How to build around all this charbroiled remains of what we were...

Each day is such a struggle in itself... Our struggle and our journey is not acknowledge by anyone around us. How difficult it is to smile... How difficult it is to follow the senseless rule of fake it until you make it... How little all the mundane things that people around us talk about and complain about means in reality, as everything material has lost its luster in every sense, and all that we have is the mission to keep going, to climb up the rabbit's hole for Deedee's sister... because Kali deserves the same passion and devotion and chance at life like Deedee had. It is twice hard as all our will, energy and dreams were taken in such a wrong way... It all felt wrong, and still does.

One moment in time, our fate and destiny took a new turn. It still feels like we just watched a horror movie, prime time... Special effects that were so real... Reality is a nightmare. So, let's close our eyes... I'll close my eyes, as in dreams we walk with you... My precious. My warrior princess. My sassy diva. My twinkling star. My greatest love.

May your angel wings have such a wide span as to cover us all... Walk with us always...

Loving you and missing you...

RIP UNCLE STEVE

Deedee's godfather, Steve Sepulveda Ojeda, passed away last February. It has been very hard to acknowledge this fact... Steve was a pillar in Deedee's life. He was always there for her, both during the 5 years that she was with us and after her departure from Earth. He was also our best friend for over 30 years.

Steve was hard on the outside, molten marshmellow on the inside. He went above and beyond to make everyone around him happy. He was Deedee's favorite person, often visiting him in dreams, letting him know that life in Heaven is swell and that she was free of all earthly nuisances...

Steve was my right hand, best friend, partner in crime, coffee mate, ship counselor, brother from another mother. I took long to write this as his death hit me very hard, almost as hard as Deedee's death. The impact of both deaths has taken a big toll on me... Regardless... I had to say it here, as he was so important for Deedee as well... We know they are now having fun out there in Heaven, waiting for us. Both are free.

In the meantime... Here on Earth we miss you both... So much...

Rest in Peace, Uncle Steve. Now you are One with the Force. Give giant hugs to Deedee for us!

LOOKING UP TO YOU

Forever guiding our paths...
Always missed.
Loving you, my little star...
I hope time goes fast enough
so you can be in my arms again.

Mommy