Monday, March 13, 2017

The Godfather

Last Thursday I got a very unexpected message at 11:45 AM. My dear best friend, Deedee's Godfather, had a cardiac arrest and had flatlined in the morning. The doctors fought hard and brought him back, not knowing if he had been gone 2 minutes or 10 minutes. He had to be intubated, in a vent, and has been under induced coma ever since.

The whole event has left me out of breath, numb to all things that are going on in our lives right now. What I saw in the hospital was just too familiar... It was just like watching over Deedee whenever she had an episode and flatlined... Surreal... Hoping for the best... Disbelief... All panoramas showing up at the same time... the best thing, the worst thing... The wanting to do something but having to just be still and wait. All too familiar... dreadful stillness,,, But in the room as we watch over him, managing to smile and not distress... So many rehearsals with Deedee, keeping our cool just for her, because she needed us to give her good vibes. With Steve, keeping our cool because he needs the good vibes as well. So we have watched... no despair, just stern belief in his will to go on. And holding on to the little bit of hope that is there because a little bit can turn into a titanic miracle. And we have witnessed so many miracles, through Deedee's life... through the aftermath of her demise... There is a miracle at every second, and our wonder should be just as blind as our faith simply because of this truth.

I don't believe in the open displays of affection. I recoil as I witness all these people who are so selfish and who has taken so much from him now leaving messages of being deeply moved and offering so much help... Telling all this to the air, to the hordes of people in social media, is as empty as the actions that have been going on for years. it angers me so much to witness this, as all this time it has been thanks to their lack of thought and presence that my dear friend has suffered in silence thinking himself forgotten and useless. People say things, especially when they see the unthinkable unfolding under their noses... but what of all the opportunities to be present, to create memories, to live? The unthinkable should be a reflection of all that was, is and can be or not. The unthinkable should be a gathering of the forces that have been there all along, a gathering in which all the real friends do show up in body or in spirit, meet each other with a long deep stare and simply join in adding to the force field of will, courage, faith, honor, belief, strength and hope. The unthinkable is not the moment to ask for a forgiveness that only comes from the little Jimminy Cricket that jumps on people's shoulders and scream what you should have done... only that this time the shock opens the ears of your inner self so you actually listen out of guilt. Guess what... True friends feel no guilt because they have been there. true friends go through thick and thin cursing each other while holding each other and defending each other... True friends face each other, in person, to the face, naked truth. It is easy to speak without action. It is easy to speak while there's absence or turned backs... So called friends and so called family: Speak the truth, to the face, and fight side by side, not out of frivolous convenience. Witnessing this parade of guilt and lies from these so called friends make me puke. I know... I have stood behind Steve through thick and thin and good and ugly... Always there behind him like a shadow, always there to raise my sword with him and to slap him if needed. Watching the charades of all these people makes me feel ashamed of humanity.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Cancion a mi estrella




- Cancion final Candi Candi

Friday, October 21, 2016


4 years ago God went to His garden and picked our precious rose to bring joy and even more happiness into Heaven. 

Missing my beloved Deirdre Medina, always our Deedee the Diva, always walking with us in spirit... Forever 5 years old...
I can only keep the faith that I will walk in beauty when we meet again... so our hearts can be whole... and I'll be lost in your eyes, smiling for eternity. 

Until then, gazing at the stars, as you are out there... My little rose...

Friday, September 2, 2016

Short and Sweet

The little angels still flank your earthly home. Some flowers and some butterflied still linger... It was a quick hello and goodbye. I promise to bring colorful flowers in November. Just as colorful and vibrant as you, my little enchantress.

Missing you, every second.

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Deedee's 9th Birthday: Princess Jasmine

Nine years ago, life changed forever when a little miracle came to earth to warm the heart of a lonely spirit. Deirdre Beatrix was born, and the whole world stopped to celebrate her. When she openned her eyes, the infinite sky was reflected on them... From that moment on, there was no better pleasure than to get lost in her bewitching eyes, her bewitching smile, her bewitching self...

Nine years ago, little did we know that the little baby that could would take us in the most amazing adventure filled with drama, love, fear, joy, sadness, hope, horror, and faith. We faced a terminally ill diagnosis, yet proved doctors wrong. Deedee defied the odds, she defied death and she lived on her terms. At 5 years of age she did more and accomplished more than some people do in a lifetime! Sadly, also at 5 years of age her heart was broken beyond repair... and that is just when she decided it was better to let go and be free... She knew that life on Earth was an amazing ride, but a circle of ups and downs and dissappointments that would keep on hapenning especially for someone in her shoes... She knew so many things, wise Deedee... We hope we would be enough for her to rise beyond the trials that she faced, and she fought a good battle for herself and for us. In the end her little fragile body was not a strong enough vessel for such a titanic spirit, and in the blink of an eye she was took the golden chariot towards the Sun.

It has been 4 years since such a sudden departure... It has been an everyday of guesses and what ifs, of alternate realities and dreams, of loss and of belief. Whoever said it would get better... It won't. Whoever said life goes on, it is not the same. Whoever said survival will take over, well, resistance is futile. Whoever said it will get easier, lied. It gets harder. It gets angrier. It gets hopeless. It gets overwhelming. And it all has nothing to do with courage, or loosing faith, or not believing she is with us in spirit and will be with us forever at the end... It is not that. It is the daily nothings that you must do, and that in the depht of your heart means nothing to you because your real reason to breathe is gone and all you can do is endure... persevere... bite the bullet and keep swimming...


Some people gasp at the strength of will we've had because we have not rotten in a dark room... Some people still don't understand why we always talk about you, post your old pictures, keep you alive in our family and our hearts and why we celebrate you... To hell with them all. The good intended "you are so strong" is pure BS. The rest are just plain idiots. As long as we breathe we will always celebrate your life because you are still alive. You may not be tangible, but you are here just as emotions and faith and dreams are here. You are part of us, always. You are part of our reality, always. It is so overwhelming, because THAT much we love you... It hurts so much because THAT much we miss you... Imagine the biggest battleground, and so much strategy and moving so many pieces of your army to make victory happen... And then imagine that just when you reach the peak of that victory, just when you almost tasted it... it is gone. The real horror is the aftermath of the battle, when you have to gather the pieces of everyone and everything, and go on... when you have to face life under the "normal" that is just the most alien thought because there is no normal. There is no coming back to a blank slate. Everything changed. You mattered. You changed us. You showed us a better life. You restored us. You completed us. You made us better in every way.

Our candle in the wind, who showed us a whole new world.

And so this year we celebrate you with a Princess Jasmine birthday... Everything about you is a whole new world, with unbelievable sights... And endless love.

Happy 9th birthday, my dear warrior princess turned Valkyrie...

We remember.


Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Friday, December 25, 2015


Another Christmas upon us... It was beautiful when we woke up and Kali said Merry Christmas Mommy, followed by a Merry Christmas Daddy... and then an unexpected Merry Christmas Deedee while looking up to the ceiling. Angel Deedee is always around, with us. Knowing this, and that Kali acknowledges it, may be the only true comfort. Love never dies.

And love is exactly what keeps Deedee alive with us. We did all that we did because of love. Deedee was always surrounded by love. The world was cruel and harsh, but she knew kindness and she touched many lives both nearby and far away... 

Life without our Deedee has been a different journey that doesn't quite feel right. We ache to hold her in our arms... to see her thrive and accomplish so many things... Why was she so fascinated by sharks? Would she have become the digital artist that she wanted to be? Would she have turned to science instead? Would she still love purple, three years later? Would she still wake up at 4 in the morning to have mommy sleeping at her side? What new dreams would she have aimed for? How many people would have fallen under her spell?

I miss my diva.
I have no words to describe how much I wish for her, everyday. 
Life goes on, but nothing is the same...

This would have been Deedee's 8th Christmas with us. It is her 4th Christmas in Heaven. 

Here I leave you some memories from our beloved diva. 


At the hospital, fighting for her life

Newark, NJ

2009 PART 1
2009 PART 2

2010 PART 1
2010 PART 2
2010 PART 3

Deedee's Night Before Christmas

1st Christmas in Heaven
Mayaguez, PR

Merry Christmas, Deedee. 
Keep watching over us... Until we meet again, my little one.
You hold our hearts.