Saturday, August 17, 2019
Don't you ever think that we have forgotten you... You know very well that's not the case. We talk to you constantly, every day. Your sister always wishes for you, and I am certain she feels you very present in her heart. She sometimes get mad because you are not here with her, and she feels lonely... Well, it is up to you to let her know that she is never alone, and that you cover her with your lovely angel wings whenever she gets in trouble. We know you watch over her. We know you do so many little miracles for her... We know how you pamper her. Forgive her. Like us, she gets crossed because she cannot give you a big hug. Knowing doesn't ever agree with the heart...
Days are going so fast that I barely have time to catch my breath, or think about anything at all. I'm in the race, focused on making one dream come true so things fall into place. We are still misplaced, and you know it. You must get amused whenever we go crazy with our routines... You remember when I stayed up all night so many nights at the hospital, doing those webdesign projects? Nurses thought I was razy. You knew better. You slept soundly because you knew I was watching over you. That was my excuse to do so. I did my best to keep you safe... I hate that it was not enough.
So... I am studying. Sleeplessness has come back. Your sister was puzzled at why I had to study. She was baffled that me being "so old" was back in school. Well, one thing is certain, she is getting some modeling about being responsible and doing homework. Her reading has become flawless. She is into Harry Potter these days, and read the first 3 books quite fast. Now she's into the audiobooks... I wonder if you would have become a Potterhead too... Since you liked adventure and fantasy I'm inclined to think so. You were a tough cookie, but your mind was always flying into world of adventure and magic and songs. You would be into things like "Harry Potter: The musical". You were quite in deep with music... The soundtrack of your life is quite varied... and beautiful. A mix of metal and pop. Sugar and spice.
This summer was much bittersweet... I thought camp would be good for your sister, like it was with you... What you experiences in the Camp at the Newark Museum and that weekend at Camp Pontiac was amazing and powerful. You were surrounded by love, and experienced how love works. Kali is far from experiencing that... You know she has some issues... even if she's very bright and caring, she's been facing a mean world. Camp was ok for her, but she didn't really want to go because the people were keeping her apart. she felt so lonely... It broke my heart to listen to her. I did not expect what I heard. And on top of that, she cries and asks why you couldn't be here with her.
What can I say? What can I do? I miss you the same. I encourage her to look for you in everything that she do. Last week we went to Sea World. As we walked towards the entrance a butterfly fluttered around her, and then followed us for a while. When she saw it she immediately light up and exclaimed: "Deedee is with us". You know it. You always see this. I bet you smile being proud of her and of how she keeps you present. When we passed by Sesame Street, I had this knot in my throat... The little waterpark brought back so many memories of the Sesame Place... Remember how we covered everything in your wheelchair with plastic bags, and daddy just rolled you into all the sprinklers and streams? You had such a blast! You loved every second. Being there near the water sprinklers made me cry. Bittersweet memories... A perfect moment in time... We were surrounded by you. Yes, I know. You made your presence real strong last Sunday. Your birthday gift to us. "Sunny day, sweeping the clouds away... On my way to where the air is sweet".
Bush Gardens, VA
Sesame Place, PA
Sesame Place, PA
Visit often, my love. We all need to have you around, even if just in spirit. Your sister needs you. Daddy needs you. I need you.
Hopefully we'll look at the starsand find the peace that only your eyes could give me.
Happy 12th birthday, my precious diva.
Posted by Vierna at 11:56 PM
Tuesday, October 23, 2018
One moment frozen in time, frozen in carbonite to be repeated again and again throughout eternity... One moment that changed everything in our lives, forever.
From that moment there is nothing else that trying to climb up, up, out of the rabbit's hole. That moment was rock bottom, total destruction of so much built... our castle of glass shattered beyond repair, all fragments pulverized by the sudden, merciless impact.
Where do we go from becoming numb yet feeling all your inner self ripped apart? Where do you go from the horror of total helplessness while everything moves around you at warp speed... while your reaction is slow... too slow to utter a complaint... too slow to even react with screams or tears...
It was a moment that went by and faded away for many... but one strong moment of heavy repercussions and instant constant of pain and anger and grief and sadness and loss. It is a constant that is ongoing and with each repetition keeps travelling through time and space with stronger momentum and deeper piercing.
It has been 6 years since we lost our beloved diva, our first daughter, our champion of dreams, our inspiration for doing anything... Losing her... we lost everything. We lost ourselves. We broke, pulverized heart and soul. The worst and the unthinkable danced in front of us, like a ghostly image that we could not touch... The heartbreak is still there. Six years have not made it better. The images of paleness and blood and strangers maneuvering attempts at miracles are as vivid as it was then... We had hoped for a soft ending filled with warmth, a lovely letting go. Nothing could have prepared us for the cruel slap in the face that was fast, unmerciful, raw... Yes, raw is the right word. Nothing can surprise us now, as we lived through raw horror. The feeling keeps its resonance each morning and each night. It has not changed. Looking for her at our side keeps on being an instinct... We are a family of 4, not 3. The sheer happiness of staring into her eyes, of making the impossible possible is just gone. Trying to keep living implies fighting off this force around your throat that makes you gasp for air... It is a constant drowning.
Six years... to look back and realize the beauty of time past. How beautiful she made every morning and every night. It was magical waking up and going to her, knowing she had asked for me... just knowing. We had a silent link. I knew what she wanted, I knew what she was thinking, and I knew what she was dreaming of. I knew what broke her heart. I knew her wins, her glory, and her struggles. She never gave up. She fought until the end... And then some. The best of me was in her. We were entwined, synchronized souls. And her departure... her departure was like when you reap away part of a plant taking some roots... Yes, she was planted elsewhere and she has bloomed to perfection in His garden... But here remains the hurting core, whose scar won't stop bleeding, whose zen and balance and cause simply vanished. How not to miss her? How to go on? How to build around all this charbroiled remains of what we were...
Each day is such a struggle in itself... Our struggle and our journey is not acknowledge by anyone around us. How difficult it is to smile... How difficult it is to follow the senseless rule of fake it until you make it... How little all the mundane things that people around us talk about and complain about means in reality, as everything material has lost its luster in every sense, and all that we have is the mission to keep going, to climb up the rabbit's hole for Deedee's sister... because Kali deserves the same passion and devotion and chance at life like Deedee had. It is twice hard as all our will, energy and dreams were taken in such a wrong way... It all felt wrong, and still does.
One moment in time, our fate and destiny took a new turn. It still feels like we just watched a horror movie, prime time... Special effects that were so real... Reality is a nightmare. So, let's close our eyes... I'll close my eyes, as in dreams we walk with you... My precious. My warrior princess. My sassy diva. My twinkling star. My greatest love.
May your angel wings have such a wide span as to cover us all... Walk with us always...
Loving you and missing you...
Posted by Vierna at 6:32 PM
Wednesday, July 4, 2018
Deedee's godfather, Steve Sepulveda Ojeda, passed away last February. It has been very hard to acknowledge this fact... Steve was a pillar in Deedee's life. He was always there for her, both during the 5 years that she was with us and after her departure from Earth. He was also our best friend for over 30 years.
Steve was hard on the outside, molten marshmellow on the inside. He went above and beyond to make everyone around him happy. He was Deedee's favorite person, often visiting him in dreams, letting him know that life in Heaven is swell and that she was free of all earthly nuisances...
Steve was my right hand, best friend, partner in crime, coffee mate, ship counselor, brother from another mother. I took long to write this as his death hit me very hard, almost as hard as Deedee's death. The impact of both deaths has taken a big toll on me... Regardless... I had to say it here, as he was so important for Deedee as well... We know they are now having fun out there in Heaven, waiting for us. Both are free.
In the meantime... Here on Earth we miss you both... So much...
Rest in Peace, Uncle Steve. Now you are One with the Force. Give giant hugs to Deedee for us!
Posted by Vierna at 12:18 PM
Monday, April 23, 2018
Thursday, November 9, 2017
Sadly, it has been over a month since Hurricane Maria devastated Puerto Rico. Communication with family was non-existent for 3 weeks. Thanks to a friend we learned all were well, and we finally got to exchange a few words. Our family is from the Western side of the isle, from Mayaguez. News did not really covered the rest of the area, just Area Metro, mainly because they could not reach any place because of blocked areas, flooded areas, landslides and the like.
The good news is that both my mother's home and my great-aunt's home were not badly damaged. So that was good. My great-aunt got water around 3 weeks after the hurricane, and light around 2 weeks ago. So far they have food and the basics. The rest of the island have not been that lucky. I have been deeply worried as my mother has cancer and has not been able to get her treatments... she's 75. My great-aunt needs constant supervision just to make sure she is fine and doing the basics, she is 94.
The hurricane highlighted the facts that I am far to help, and they need help... We cannot move to Puerto Rico because our life is where our immediate family is right now... My sister lives in Ohio with her husband and 3 kids. I live in Florida with my husband and 1 kid. We are trapped as there is no money to just travel to make sure things are ok... or take of business... Money is always a big factor that molds our lives into following the rat race and ties us up from doing what we want to do... simply because we don't have the means... Heck, we need help and we can't get it. Adding Hurricane Maria to our stress list, making it to the top of that list, has made life unbearable. There is no worse feeling than being powerless... not being able to do what your heart wants to do...
All in all, I wonder how things are doing in Deedee's resting place. Water must have got in... The beautiful flowers that our friend left there must be gone, everything cleared. It saddens me that I cannot just go there to reminisce while being close to what was... But then again, everything about the hurricane's aftermath is completely saddening.
There is hope for a new beginning in the isle. I have faith on that. I do not doubt nature will make the island beautiful again. What I doubt is the people... There is a big division that now is very noticeable... the good and the really bad. I keep faith that the good will prevail and the bad will get what they deserve.
November is here, daddy Mark's birthday was 2 days ago... Kali wants a necklace with Deedee's face... Our little family keeps running as the little train that could... Making things happen is becoming a big challenge... but we never give up.
Posted by Vierna at 11:13 AM
Monday, August 28, 2017
Deedee's resting place got a little piece of the birthday celebration! A dear friend visited her and brought some gifts that brightened her surroundings. Sunflowers and froggies and colors bright!
Thank you Alexandra! Your little gesture brought much happiness and peace to our hearts. We were sad that we could not travel to PR to do this, as I try to do every year. This surprise and kindness really touched us. Our diva must be smiling from heaven. A thousand thanks!
My little warrior princess, you are not forgotten! Keep on flying high, and watching over your sister, who misses you dearly. We always love you...
Posted by Vierna at 9:35 AM