Saturday, May 23, 2015
The simple perfect moment in time in which it was you and us... It is a memory that crawls in the surface of every day, every sunrise, every sunset, every starry night, every second our heart beats. Our picture perfect family soon to be a family of 4 forever... We live on, with you walking at our side... in our dreams... in our hearts... as a perfect angel fluttering by.
Life goes on, being such a simple routine. Wake up, work, eat, sleep... Quite simple. It was all simple before you, and it all stank. Thanks to you simple became quite complicated... but dreams became true. You fueled passion and inspiration and the belief that anyone could do anything. Little you brought a bunch of colorful crayons to our lives, and colored paintings in our hearts of masterful beauty. Little you, who could not speak or move, preached about what is most important in life, showed us that there are no limits but in our own minds, and went everywhere. You demonstrated how chaos can be a bliss, how seconds can matter more than so many years. So many people go on through life complaining and doing nothing but just consume oxygen. You, in just 5 years and 2 months did what so many don't do in a lifetime. You travelled, you learned, you teached, you enjoyed, you grew, you shared, you gave it all... You truly lived. You fast-forwarded a complete life that we can only aspire to... You walked in innocence and wonder, no matter how your fragile heart got crushed every time a human let you down. You never lost faith, you gave everyone a chance, you forgave so easily and smiled so genuinely! Precious little big Deedee, the most thoughtful, sassy, demanding, kind and gentle diva I've ever met.
Mother's day was quite a mix of emotions... I loved to celebrate with you. I loved how we would take you out of your room in a beautiful dress, and place you in the sofa as we did our little celebrations... The last year that you were with us was quite special as you finally could be in a properly adapted stander and actually enjoy it all from a new perspective. We all had so many plans, we all gathered a winning team just for you! We all had our hearts shattered when you had to go... It hit us quite hard. We had a dream of you being with us for so many years... No one was prepared. We were not prepared... I was not prepared. I am still not prepared... I still don't understand why at that very moment when all began to unwrap as a giant gift to you. I still don't understand why God needed you elsewhere when He knew all that you did for us... for me. I know you are now at another level, of so much light and perfection that we can't even begin to imagine... but that consolation is not enough reason to make it an answer. In my heart you are my little baby... I was supposed to help you be. And somehow, it all was twisted into this alternate reality in which the roles were reversed and I did not go first... you did... and life remained changed in a way no one can even begin to grasp.
Here we stand as changed beings, touched by an angel, molded by the most unlikely events, thrown to survive this world of cold routines and faded glory. We are now children kept by our angel guardian. We are now to create a new world out of the ashes left by the anger and rage and loss. She became the parent. She became the one to give everything for us, so we could go on, grow, complete our own dreams, endure, and become in the end as perfect and beautiful as she is. Reverse roles... A little family that will never fit in this society of consumerism and appearances. Here we stand following the teachings of an angel, keeping her alive in our lives with everything that we do and every choice that we make. Promises are not forgotten, they are just taking longer to achieve. It is not easy not being able to hold the most sweet and delicate hand. I miss kissing those soft cheeks, and being followed by the deepest stare I will ever know. We see the little signs... the unlikely butterfly that crosses our path, the cardinal that greets us in the mornings... We feel the presence. But acknowledging everyday miracles has nothing to do with missing you... What our mind knows is of no consolation to our weeping heart. There is a reason, says the mind. Why, is the constant question that echoes in the dark. Why...
Guide and protect us, especially your little sister. She misses you... as we all do. She asked where were you last week. She was lost looking at all the pictures in the wall, and when I asked her what was in her mind she just asked where you were... because you were not with mommy and daddy anymore. That sword went straight through my heart. She's finally realizing something doesn't add up in our home... Deedee is everywhere in the walls. I asked her were she thinks Deedee is. Here. She said that while looking around. I just had to hold her tight. I hope with all my heart that is true, love. You walk with us. You must. Our lives would be meaningless if that was not true.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when nights are grey...
You just don't know, dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away...
Always my sunshine.