It has been 9 months since Deedee went
to Heaven. So much time, yet it still feels as if it all transpired
just seconds ago... It all is too alive... The failed visit to the
Sesame Place the day before... she cried because we turned back home
and I just tried to make her stop... after all, we would visit for
the whole day on the next weekend. She fussed for a long time...
almost as if she knew that it was her last chance to see it all in
its Halloween wonder. She was all dressed up as Pocahontas, and she
wanted to have fun. It was the intention, but we got lost on the way
and after the middle of the afternoon arrived we decided to leave
that adventure for the other weekend... She cried until night
arrived.
It feels like it was hours ago... the
morning had been Daddy's business. He did all her respiratory therapy
and she was bathed and dressed up. She was quite content. I went in
during the afternoon to rearrange her room while she watched some
oldies but goodies... She did not like those movies... She complained
and rolled her eyes as I spoke to her. And she was quite upset when I
dared to take her decorations from her bed... after all, she had made
them with Mr. Farina... and no one could touch that stuff! She
complied when she saw how I placed everything in the wall next to her
bed, and when I reassured her that the week ahead was filled with fun
and surprises... She needed space for her new Halloween crafts! And
she would dress-up every single day as all her favorite characters...
She was so excited about the Trunk and Treat invitation! It was going
to be her first official Halloween outing, she was going to enjoy
having kids her own age all around... 2012 was a year of breaking
barriers and for her to try everything. She was thrilled, looking
forward to the new adventure!
Just hours ago... I just finished her
room, placed one of her favorite movies and walked out of her room.
She was just fine, looking at me with the corner of her eye... It was
nighttime, and she knew her respiratory therapy was to begin. Daddy
went in and prepared everything around her... and asked for a moment
to take a “potty break”. She didn't mind, she was watching her
movie...
Just seconds ago, her Daddy screamed as
he found her pale, bluish, non-responsive... He tried everything to
make her react... He called me in the middle of it all... I called
911... They arrived... All too fast... All too sudden... All too
surreal. No horror movie will ever match what we went through that
night. Nothing can match;30 pm to the depth of all we felt, all the
images in our heads, all that happened through the time from 8:00 PM
to 4:45 AM. We had no idea that she would not pull through... She was
intubated, but somehow she was stabilized. She just seemed to be
resting, after a big scare... as she did more than 50 times through
her short life... No one told us she had not been medicated. No one
told us that her body just seemed alive because of the machines. I
stayed with her through the night and Daddy had to go home as the
little sister was just too much in the PICU and there was nothing
else to do but watch and wait... To this day I cannot believe that
they allowed him to go home knowing she would be done any second.
They did not warn us about it at the hospital... yet the staff knew.
They all knew. To this day it hurts because we were there for so many
years, and we believed in the staff and their compromise... And they
knew they could tell us the truth in black and white. That night
became a snowball of lies... It should not have ended that way. We
should have both been there when her body finally gave up. I had to
ask the doctor to stop trying to revive our precious Diva... I said:
Stop. I knew she was not there anymore... but to this day that “stop”
breaks me... That stop hurts me as a thousand knives through my
heart. That stop changed everything, forever.
It has been 9 months... of anger, of
loss, of frustration, of sorrow, of wandering... Why everything
happened as it did? Why couldn't she go in peace, surrounded by her
loved ones... Why would she go just when she finally was beginning to
break off her shell and show everyone all she could do... an aspiring
animation artist, a visionary, a positive force that had no
boundaries and that would not let her body stop her... Why instead of
a loving final memory we had to deal with a blood-fest, then a bitter
coming home... and then just plain twisted turns of fate. I wish I
could feel or say something hopeful, anything that would make it all
appear as an event that had to happen maybe for the better... How can
it be better? Better was having our Diva with us. Better was the 4 of
us, celebrating birthdays and Thanksgiving, Christmas, Baptisms,
Valentines, UN-birthdays... Better was getting into her bed and
falling asleep at her side. Better was the challenges we faced, and
conquer. Better was loosing myself in her bewitching gaze.
There is no better for us. Although we
know that there is everything better for her as she is now an angel
and in the presence of God... there is only contempt for us... not a
better. Better will come when we finally reunite again and forever...
Until then... Know that you are always missed, always loved... always
wished for. You made everything not only better but best... sparkles
and sequins were optional. Life is harder every second... because of
the bleeding heart that must keep on pumping... against all odds. The
final prize: To hold you in my arms, in a most beautiful day.
Nine months to be subtracted from the
countdown to make it so... I love you Deedee.
Mom
