Here we are.
At the end of September, here I stand... I look up into the sky, to find the brightest star so I find guidance. And there she is, my amazing bright star... shining on us... shining on me. The pain fills me with tears of anger, with unanswered questions, with endless rage. Yet, my dear angel shines on me... trying her best to soothe my spirit, to patch up the bleeding wounds. Her smile, my smile. Her existence my existence. Her silence, my silence... I don't understand why she had to go. I don't understand why, after all our efforts, all of our love was not enough to make her stay. I don't understand if God is just and merciful, why he let this happen... all of this. I don't understand why life makes it so hard for the good people to win but allows evil to prevail unpunished. I don't understand... So many things I don't understand...
My life was taken away the day my little warrior princess exhaled a last breath. She gave me sound purpose, and I gave it all to find a way to make her life whole. I gave it all. I want to honor her memory and do so many meaningful things... yet I am stuck in a mundane life that serves the only purpose of keeping a roof and paying bills. Stuck with the feeling that although it was not my fault, it will always be my fault. Nothing has the same luster. Nothing has the same value or feel. Everything is changed so deeply, beyond explanations... And yet I must stand, and smile, and be an amazing crowd pleaser. Who cares if my heart is breaking every step of the way...
End of September... One year, eleven months and seven days that we walk without holding your hand, or hearing your voice, or gaze into your lovely eyes... Too much time away from real Heaven. Loving you so much, missing you so much... Impatiently waiting until the day I can hold you in my arms again, forever.
