Last Thursday I got a very unexpected message at 11:45 AM. My dear best friend, Deedee's Godfather, had a cardiac arrest and had flatlined in the morning. The doctors fought hard and brought him back, not knowing if he had been gone 2 minutes or 10 minutes. He had to be intubated, in a vent, and has been under induced coma ever since.
The whole event has left me out of breath, numb to all things that are going on in our lives right now. What I saw in the hospital was just too familiar... It was just like watching over Deedee whenever she had an episode and flatlined... Surreal... Hoping for the best... Disbelief... All panoramas showing up at the same time... the best thing, the worst thing... The wanting to do something but having to just be still and wait. All too familiar... dreadful stillness,,, But in the room as we watch over him, managing to smile and not distress... So many rehearsals with Deedee, keeping our cool just for her, because she needed us to give her good vibes. With Steve, keeping our cool because he needs the good vibes as well. So we have watched... no despair, just stern belief in his will to go on. And holding on to the little bit of hope that is there because a little bit can turn into a titanic miracle. And we have witnessed so many miracles, through Deedee's life... through the aftermath of her demise... There is a miracle at every second, and our wonder should be just as blind as our faith simply because of this truth.
I don't believe in the open displays of affection. I recoil as I witness all these people who are so selfish and who has taken so much from him now leaving messages of being deeply moved and offering so much help... Telling all this to the air, to the hordes of people in social media, is as empty as the actions that have been going on for years. it angers me so much to witness this, as all this time it has been thanks to their lack of thought and presence that my dear friend has suffered in silence thinking himself forgotten and useless. People say things, especially when they see the unthinkable unfolding under their noses... but what of all the opportunities to be present, to create memories, to live? The unthinkable should be a reflection of all that was, is and can be or not. The unthinkable should be a gathering of the forces that have been there all along, a gathering in which all the real friends do show up in body or in spirit, meet each other with a long deep stare and simply join in adding to the force field of will, courage, faith, honor, belief, strength and hope. The unthinkable is not the moment to ask for a forgiveness that only comes from the little Jimminy Cricket that jumps on people's shoulders and scream what you should have done... only that this time the shock opens the ears of your inner self so you actually listen out of guilt. Guess what... True friends feel no guilt because they have been there. true friends go through thick and thin cursing each other while holding each other and defending each other... True friends face each other, in person, to the face, naked truth. It is easy to speak without action. It is easy to speak while there's absence or turned backs... So called friends and so called family: Speak the truth, to the face, and fight side by side, not out of frivolous convenience. Witnessing this parade of guilt and lies from these so called friends make me puke. I know... I have stood behind Steve through thick and thin and good and ugly... Always there behind him like a shadow, always there to raise my sword with him and to slap him if needed. Watching the charades of all these people makes me feel ashamed of humanity.