The year is about to end, and the
mandatory retrospective kicks in... Many things to be thankful for,
and many others that keep on being questionable. This year was the
year of the journey to find our place after our world ended. This was
the year that we discovered who is really up to give everything for
you, and who doesn't. This is the year that we dragged ourselves from
our abyss, and rise again as undead... forever changed by the kiss of
death that transformed our lives. This is what vampires and zombies
must feel after their lives return... after the spark of something
unnatural makes them open their eyes and move their limbs and respond
to humans... We look like we are the same sentient beings, but we are
not. We rise from our abyss with no real notion of why things
happenned, what is the final big lesson, why destiny keeps on being
fickle and throwing elements of adventure that require much desire
and skill that after our world's end seemed simply... pointless.
The journey after the abyss has been
its own little adventure. It did fulfill the goal of moving us
forward as an unit. Like little good soldiers we went to battle and
we faced the challenges... and we achieved a victory that rewarded us
with some peace. In the eyes of society we have stepped up, we have
demonstrated we are capable of sustaining a home and we are capable
of performing all sorts of mundane tasks... playing our part in the
great play that is established by modern life.
It is all a blunt joke in itself. We
gave wings to a child that was dismissed by the world after she was
branded dead by a terminal illness, we gave her a strong will, the
ability to dream big, and the courage to defy the system and live
with purpose... We defended this child with all we had, against
lawyers, against doctors, against the system, against
non-believers... We build her a castle in her own home, and delivered
her kingdoms. She bloomed in knowledge, in creativity, in dreams...
For 5 years we lived for her, we fought all who did not believe in
her, we believed in her, and we looked forward to delivering her the
tools so she could amaze everyone with all we knew that she could do.
We became specialists in the field of her illness... advocates for
her rights, researchers, therapists, mentors... we even make sure
that she would see us more than anything as mom and dad as we worked
miracles in the background... And after doing all this, we have to go
through the process of demonstrating we can keep it together, keep a
job and pay bills.
Really? Society is that illogical? Yes,
we have wowed everyone because we can be responsible and we put
family first (and just seeing Kali's smile and be happy confirm that,
not everything else we have done). Really... So we survived as good
soldiers, and now we are entangled in the little routine that
everyone calls normal and all is fine because normal is fine. Work,
pay, and move on. Normal empty living is what counts. We are
responsible now... We have value now. We are no longer homeless.
Success is that we smile and know how to meet deadlines and how to
make numbers look good. Success is complying with all of society's
expectations, all ending up polished, with material things to show
off. Oh, we are sane. Oh, we are not loosers. Guess what, we did not
lie... we are useful and educated and can do so much... Success.
Alas! We are no longer leeches of any system, and finally we stopped
dragging a sad story... We stand. Raise your cups! Let a choir give
some shape to some pompous tunes.
We are forever changed. We know what it
means to loose everything you hold dear... In our case, it was our
beloved daughter Deirdre. Yes, it was also hard what came
afterwards... But nothing is as hard as not hearing her machines and
her grunts every night and every morning. We were fools to believe in
so many who easily put words but whose actions were absent. We
trusted with our hearts opened, and our hearts were impaled. We
witnessed so many miracles even in the abyss... And we learned that
only God never fails. We don't understand why we have to prove over
and over who we are and what we do to the people who know us... and
have known us for long... We don't understand why instead of
believing in us those around us shunned us, turned their backs and
chose to close their eyes while we were trying to survive the
abyss... We did not expect our journey to be easy, with a road filled
with white roses at our feet but we did expect compassion and words
and presence... not money, not anything material... We hear so many
songs about love and friendship, about beauty and family... So many
songs became our hymns through decades... And we believed that those
hymns were and invisible oath... and that they were so true...
Suddenly the ending of the Fox and the Hound comes to mind and makes
so much sense... in a cruel and sad way, because in real like that
idea of friendship seems so torn... Forever is a word that is
followed by “if it is convenient for me” in modern society.
Whatever happened to “inconditional”... Whatever happened to
“through thick and thin”. Whatever happened to true love, honor,
doing things because it is right, sharing, kindness, empathy,
compassion... giving just a call... sending just a message... simple
notes in the mail or email... being connected without Internet.
Wow... Old-fashioned concepts from an old-fashioned mind... I am
getting old.
So this was the year of rising from the
abyss... to find a purpose... to return back to life. The journey has
delivered many harsh realities, have shown us the real faces of
people, have shown us how jaded and wrong is society as a whole
thinking they can patch you up after your world ends and then just
put a tin mechanic heart in you so you can just be productive and
stop bothering and move on. Success comes from a tin mechanic heart
that allows you to follow the mandatory chained way... up, up, up...
mangling your skin in the way, but replacing it with more tin
patch-ups.
As this year ends, I am very happy it
finally does end. I am happy that I can still see the difference
between what is right and what is wrong, and that I still do what I
do as I always have. I am happy that through this all I have always
been myself, I have always fought for a higher cause, and I have no
regrets. I am happy this year ends with the people that really matter
around me. I am happy I got to know who is real and who is not. I am
happy I was chosen by God to take care of an angel for 5 years and 2
months... grateful because so many families do not get that chance to
get to really know their angel... grateful because my angel made me
realize what is important and what a difference we can make in
someone's life. I am happy because she was happy with us, and now is
around us helping us so we can help others... I am happy because we
came out of the abyss being true to ourselves. I am happy we have a
home, and a job, and health... I am grateful my small family is
always together no matter what. No one is left behind. As the year
closes I turn to face the horizon, close my eyes to hear Deedee's
laughter, hold my little one and my dear hubby, and step forward
trusting that I do not need to see where I am walking into... We will
always be together and true, and no one will ever be able to change
that. The abyss couldn't. Our times of trouble couldn't. God guides
our way anyway. No need to keep looking back.
Let this year be over really soon... I
look forward to the blessings ahead of us, and all we can do. Let
society have its tin heart. I know mine lives on in an angel... so it
beats beautifully.
I love you always, Deedee. But you
already know that...
