Little changes

Finally! A header that I like... Took me a while but finally made it. LOL Gotta fix it all a bit more, but at least this is more to my taste...

Butterfly effect keeps going. Feeling heavier and breathless. Very tired, very sleepy... Writing down stuff so I don't forget later on.

The Mage being his protecting self, taking much care of me. His help and understanding is very much appreciated.

I'm a believer

I thought love was
Only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else
But not for me
Love was out to get to me
That's the way it seems
Disappointment haunted
All my dreams

And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her
If I tried

I thought love was
More or less a given thing
The more I gave the less
I got, oh yeah
What's the use in trying
All you get is pain
When I wanted sunshine
I got rain

And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her
If I tried

What's the use in trying
All you get is pain
When I wanted sunshine
I got rain

And then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm in love
I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her
If I tried

Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
Now I'm a believer
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I'm a believer
Then I saw her face
I'm a believer
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind
I'm a believer

-Smash Mouth - I'm a Believer

Ladies & Gentlemen: Week 22, and counting...

I've been busy trying to give this place the feel that both the mage and I like... hopefully the dragons customization will do the trick... after all, dragons and magic mix too well.

Me? As usual, wanting to do much but been able to do almost nothing. Feeling drained-er by the minute. Stressed about the house, about finances, about what I need and probably won’t be able to get, about the whole process, about being physically challenged to say the least… Something as mild as mopping left me with a nice lower back pain. The stairs are killing me… especially in the morning. Feels as if Rose Red were on its “taking revenge on me” phase or something… Trying to figure out what to do about needing certain spaces in the house… as nursery and kitties room… and a downstairs alternative in case I simply can’t get upstairs by the last weeks. It’s all overwhelming, and tiresome.

Trying to stop whining and just do what I can, schedule what I must… They all talk about rest and sleep… Luxuries I can’t really enjoy… Need to work to pay the bills, no matter how crappy and how bad I feel unless it’s a hospital emergency I can’t simply stay at home because I want to… Weird bugs around the house and getting in are really REALLY getting on my nerves. The water thing goes on… (sight) And I need to get some wardrobe basics since pants are getting too tight and I know I can’t wear them any longer… I got rid off everything that was too big for me, and now I regret it. Oh, well… I should figure something out… I need to focus on getting an A/C, and a “moisés” and a milk pump for bottles so I will be able to sleep a bit more at nights after the arrival. The three things are on the expensive edge… I almost forgot the car seat… As a plus, a baby changer and a wardrobe, but those are luxuries I may want but not really need. Reading lists of the must haves are stressing me out as well. It’s all about the money. Need money and rest… Simple as that. I’m so screwed…

Been feeling the butterfly effect… I guess that “butterflies in the stomach” was a good description for the baby movements… This week I’ve been having that sensation, so I guess that it must be it. It’s so hard for me to feel anything at all… Sheesh! But paying a bit of attention after dinner as I read stuff has paid off in that sense… My attention is usually too scattered to know any difference… For being over 20 weeks, the belly most women have at the time is humongous compared to mine. Since I’m already big it seems the baby just had to take the space of my waist… Not too bad, after all I am very clumsy and would be bumping into everything… And as long as I can delay the Budha look, the better. People touching my belly ain’t really an idea that strokes me well. I’m supposed to put on only 15 pounds, so that should try to be a main goal. Until now, I have not been starving. The difficult thing has been activities at work in which sweets are offered in a plate and I can take none… and I’m a sucker for “quesitos”… but I’m sticking to no sweets… nutritious intake… yadda yadda…

Been reading “Agenda para Mamá” and finishing up the “What to expect when expecting” book (which has done everything in matters of stressing me up for the delivery and the post-partum effects… that last 2-3 months… Ugh!). Sugar is pretty decent, below 100 at mornings and below 150 at bedtime. Hope it will all keep up, so I don’t have an unnecessary stay at a hospital. I dread being bedridden… And I guess it’s the part that scares me the most.

Well… Now let’s get into what should I expect this week… as a review for me, and simply to keep it in record…
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WEEK 22 (from www.whattoexpect.com)

Swelling Feet and Ankles
While some foot growth can be attributed to pregnancy swelling (edema), there's another reason that feet increase in size during pregnancy and don't shrink back after. Remember relaxin? Your uterus is now about an inch above your belly button — growing by leaps and bounds. But your belly's not the only thing that's growing these days. Have you looked down at your feet? Quick, look now — before you get too big to see them. If you're like many expectant women, you'll discover that feet grow too. Good news if you're looking to revamp your entire shoe collection, not so good if you've just indulged in a pricey pair of Manolos. While some foot growth can be attributed to pregnancy swelling (edema), there's another reason that feet increase in size during pregnancy and don't shrink back after. Remember relaxin — that pregnancy hormone that loosens the ligaments and joints around your pelvis so your baby can fit through? Well, relaxin doesn't discriminate between the ligaments you'd want loosened up (like those pelvic ones) and those you'd rather they'd just leave alone (like those on your feet). The result: When the ligaments in the feet are loosened, the bones under them tend to spread slightly, resulting, for many women, in a half or whole shoe-size increase. And tootsies that feel suddenly uncomfortably tight. If you do find yourself running to the mall for a new pair of shoes (no need to be barefoot and pregnant, after all!), buy ones that are comfortable and roomy — and for now, with no more than a sensibly chunky two-inch heel (skip the stilettos — you'll have trouble enough keeping your balance as your belly balloons forward).

Hair Ye, Hair Ye
Your baby has finally broken the one-pound mark. The eyelashes and eyebrows are well formed now — and even more hair is sprouting atop that cute little head. But hair at this stage has no pigment, so it's bright white. Guess what? Your baby has finally broken the one-pound mark. How heavy is that? Hold a one-pound box of sugar in your hand the next time you're in the grocery story (and expect people to ask you why you're grinning from ear to ear). Is the box eight inches long? That's about the length your baby is too! This week, your sweetie is making more sense of the world as he or she develops the sense of touch. In fact, your little one's grip is quite developed by now — and since there's nothing else to grab in utero, he or she may sometimes hold on tight to that umbilical cord (don't worry — it's tough enough to handle it). The sense of sight is also getting more developed. Your fetus can now perceive light and dark much better than before (even with those fused eyelids). But remember — unless you're shining a flashlight over your belly (which you can do, by the way), it'll be mostly dark for your baby inside that cozy womb of yours. Moving up from the eyes, the eyelashes and eyebrows are well formed now — and even more hair is sprouting atop that cute little head. You'd be quite surprised, though, if you could see your little one up close and in color. Hair at this stage has no pigment, so it's bright white.

Look, Don't Touch
By now you may have been the target of at least one well-wishing tummy-toucher — you know, those people who just can't resist reaching out and rubbing your belly. By now you may have been the target of at least one well-wishing tummy-toucher — you know, those people (and they could be anyone — friends, co-workers, the guy you buy your morning paper from, a perfect stranger on the deli line) who just can't resist reaching out and rubbing your belly. And who can blame them? After all, pregnant bellies — so round, so cute, and housing something even cuter — practically beg to be touched. Now, you may not mind being treated like an exhibit at a children's museum (and, if you're a touchy-feely person yourself, you may even welcome the public display of affection for your belly), but if you do mind, there are a couple of approaches you can take. One, use your words ("I know it's tempting, but I really would rather you didn't touch my belly"). Two, back off — literally, dodging their advances. And three, turn the tables by giving their belly a rub to see how they like it (especially effective with middle-aged men sporting paunches). Remember, you're sharing your body on the inside — you don't need to share on the outside too.

Dubious Dad?
Having second thoughts about this baby thing, especially as it gets more real? Don't worry, it's normal. Having second thoughts about this baby thing, especially as it gets more real? Don't worry, it's normal. You may be wondering what kind of father you'll be, worrying about the health of your partner and the baby, and confused about what the heck the practitioner was talking about at that last office visit. Here are a few ways to start boosting your confidence. First, read up about pregnancy and babies — knowledge is power. Second, talk to your partner — she's probably feeling as freaked as you, and venting will help you both relax. Third, corner every veteran Dad you know — ask for some pointers, score some insights. And finally, chill with this thought: Parents have been having babies as long as there have been babies.

Hair Be Gone!
Your legs, armpits, bikini line, and upper lip may be hairier than usual due to all those raging hormones. Is pregnancy making you look like a resident of the Planet of the Apes? Your legs, armpits, bikini line, and upper lip may be hairier than usual due to all those raging hormones. But think twice before you turn to lasers, electrolysis, depilatories, and bleaching. No reliable studies have been done to determine for sure whether these popular hair-removal and lightening treatments are harmful or not, but it's probably best to skip them until after you give birth. Take heart, though, you may pluck or shave to your heart's content. (Even waxing is fine if your skin's not too sensitive.) That's not making you feel better? Chin up (if you dare) — you're more than halfway to the finish line!

Gaining Too Much Weight
Is your bathroom scale on the fast track these days? Here's why you should apply the brakes, and how to do it safely. You already know that being pregnant isn't your all-you-can-eat meal ticket — those cravings may be powerful, but left unchecked they can be a one-way trip to Bountiful (hips and butt, that is). But that's just one reason to avoid gaining too much weight when you're expecting (and not even the most compelling one). Here are some others that might motivate you to keep your eye on the scale — and your hands out of the cookie jar (unless, of course, you've wisely stocked the cookie jar with soy chips). Discomfort from head to toe: Let's face it, pregnancy isn't all that comfortable to begin with (unless you're really comfortable curled up with a backache and a bad case of indigestion). And those discomforts tend to multiply with the pounds. Excess weight gain can result in or aggravate everything from backaches to leg pains to overall exhaustion, not to mention varicose veins, calf cramps, heartburn, hemorrhoids, and achy joints. And if too many extra pounds follow you to labor, they can also make that already-tough experience a lot tougher. Complications: Excess weight gain increases your risk for developing hypertension and diabetes — both of which make your pregnancy much harder to manage, while creating risks for your baby. The heavier you are, the more likely your baby is to be larger, increasing the odds that a vaginal delivery will require the use of forceps or vacuum. That's if you can deliver vaginally at all, since being overweight increases your chances of delivering by C-section — which makes for a more difficult recovery after your baby is born. Obesity and ongoing health issues: Gain too much weight and you're likely to retain twice as much after your baby is born than you would have if you gained within the guidelines. And if you think all you need is time and willpower to lose the extra fat, research has weighed in with a different idea: Women who gain excessively and don't lose the extra weight within six months after the birth are at a much higher risk of being obese ten years later. Obesity often leads to significant health issues, such as high blood pressure, diabetes, and heart disease. How much weight is too much? That all depends. Chances are your practitioner advised you on your target weight gain at your first prenatal appointment — and that it was calculated based on a number of factors (for starters, how close to ideal your prepregnancy weight was). Your practitioner probably also talks to you (ever so gently, or not so) at every visit about where you are on that upward curve — and where you should aim to be. If you've been instructed to gain the standard 25-to-35-pound total in your pregnancy, by this week you're likely to have gained anywhere from ten to 16 of those pounds. If you raced past that number weeks ago, or are gaining faster than your practitioner recommended, you'll want to slow down. What You Can Do: 1.Cut useless calories. The emphasis is on "useless" (aka empty) — you still want to eat enough of the right kinds of calories to keep your baby fed and growing. After all, the idea isn't to lose weight (losing weight is always a bad idea when you're pregnant), but to slow the rate at which you're gaining. Easy, nutritious, calorie-reducing strategies (substituting skim milk for whole or two percent; fresh fruit for dried; baked potatoes or yams for french fries; grilled white-meat chicken with no skin for fried dark-meat with skin) can make a big difference. Other calories that can go? The ones you'll find in sugar (and the ones you'll find plenty of in sugary treats). 2.Follow the Pregnancy Diet. Commit the Pregnancy Daily Dozen to memory, and print out copies of the What to Eat Every Day checklist. Watch portion sizes — a "serving" of any given food may be much smaller than you think, and a whole lot smaller than restaurants have led you to believe. For instance, did you know that a serving of meat or poultry should be about the size of a computer mouse (not a whole computer), and that a serving of cheese should be no bigger than a nine-volt battery? 3.Focus on efficiency. Choose foods that are big on bulk (so they fill you up and keep you filled) but low on calories: fresh vegetables (especially those green leafies) and fruits (especially ones with a high water content, like melon); lean poultry, meat, and fish; and oatmeal (a better choice than granola, which tends to pack a whole lot of fat in a tiny serving). And fill up on water, not soda or juice. 4.Trim that fat. Some fat is necessary (especially good fats, and especially when you're expecting), but too much just makes you, well, fat. Eat your bread unbuttered, skip the gravy, order salad dressing and sauces on the side (spoon instead of ladle), and run when something fried comes your way. 5.Get active. With your practitioner's okay, make regular exercise a part of your pregnancy. Join a prenatal yoga or exercise class, and add small amounts of activity to your everyday routines (park a few blocks from your destination, then walk the rest of the way, take the stairs instead of the elevator, walk to the deli to pick up your sandwich instead of ordering in).
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And after such a nice longaleer read, one wonders... Gosh... It doesn't really look good at all. Each passing week there are more consequences of, more issues that must be taken care of... I can't believe how is it that women get themselves pregnant continually just to live off the givernment... Honestly! They put their lives on the edge for being parasites... Great point of view that they have. Having a baby is no joke. So far, it has been the pits for me. I feel useless, I must encourage my uselessness because I may endanger the baby and because I cannot do more physically... I am forced to depend on others, each day that passes will multiply that fact... And if I thought that the woes and hardships of having the baby inside are bad, just wait until the giving birth, and the aftermath! So many complications, so many body afflictions, all of it involves pain and there is no way to change that or ease it really. All this endeavour... and society romantizises having babies because they are so cute and they smell so good... Right!

I certainly hope I can get through all this somehow. During and the after, all is very stressful for me. I have never been a children's person, and I definitively never thought I would get pregnant. Everyone seems happy about it... If only they knew... People seem to ignore the risks, the reality of it all. It may be the greatest of miracles, being able to bring life... but I see no reason to jump in joy just because of it. It is a challenge. It is hard. And i should think that any other woman around me has done it, so I should not put too much thought into it... But I guess that not everyone has a Betsy who died at childbirth because of complications because of all of her conditions. True, those conditions didn't stop her from having two babies... and getting on with the third... and truly third was the spellbreaker in her case... I do recall she was so happy and optimistic about it, even confessing that the doctors where quite upset with her because she knew the big risks but had been what they considered careless... There was a woman that lived life to the fullest, that did everything she wanted and found true love even if it only lasted almost two years... Could that be my path?

I should be more positive, perhaps... But I am no pixie. I am the realist, the one that expects the worst so she won't be dissapointed anymore. Life has made me this way. I only know that this has a purpose, it is a landmark that God has set in my life and it should mean something deep. All that is left is to trust Him, and let this ordeal move on by itself. I am doing my best to make things right, so the baby is delivered the best way possible. Of all things i hope, and wish, he or she will not inherit diabetes... my family's curse.

10-4

Hitting Week 21...

Got the “What to expect when expecting” book on Sunday, so I actually have a hardcopy of a reference for pregnancy (it's the pits being with no Internet). I am surprised, the book is quite a complete work and answers many odd questions very accurately. There is a journal from the same authors that I will try to get later on, as it assigns important checkups and dates that may be handy for scrapbooking later.

I’m feeling breathless and very tired. Everything takes up all my energy, and if it where for me I would just stay in bed. Painting walls on Saturday left me with pain in the trapeze and shoulders… The longaleer hill walk at the Zoo on Sunday left me with sore feet and legs… Plus I was constantly fatigued while in that place… The sun is an angry enemy right now not only for the mage but for me… I get dehydrated too easily, and the heat triggered headaches really fast. By night I had a mild migraine that stayed a bit bearable thanks to meds… I really felt like doing nothing on Monday. I just didn’t want to get out of bed…

I’m also having sharp mood swings. Anything and everything makes me shift from happy to full of tears to content to killing mode. I feel frustrated at so many things… All I want to do and I can’t because of lack of money… The emotional strain of not having as many things in common with my mate affects me more than I expected as I thought I could handle some things… It is obvious that all at once is too much for me… I had not seen these differences in such a sharp and cruel way before… Now, thanks to my enhanced senses they are driving me insane. I need to feel unconditional support and love, and each clash even if it is an itsy bitsy detail hurts much and leaves me resentful… not helping my never ending complain of feeling lonely. Having a different point of view is one thing, constantly having a perennial opposite point of view drives me over the edge… and all I can do about it is cry. Giving so many explanations… it’s not me… Perhaps all my emotions and senses are just enhanced by the whole pregnancy thing… So it reads… But some I just don’t know.

Emotionally drained and battered, tired, backache, sleepyness, absentmindedness, melancholy… But damn, isn’t this all I feel normally? LOL It’s week 21. What is in store now?

WEEK 21 (From www.whattoexpect.com)

Stretch Marks
Your baby's not even born yet and is already leaving a mark — all over your belly, butt, thighs, hips, and breasts. Yes, stretch marks have made their appearance. Most pregnant women fear them. Many won't even talk about them. Some particularly enlightened ones wear them proudly as a badge of pregnancy. No, not maternity clothes. Stretch marks. Your baby's not even born yet and is already leaving a mark — all over your belly, butt, thighs, hips, and breasts. More than half of all pregnant women will get these pink or red (sometimes purplish) streaks that are caused by tiny tears in the supporting layers of tissue under your skin as it becomes stretched to its limit. Unfortunately, there's no proven way to prevent stretch marks from zigzagging their way across your skin (though there's no harm in applying moisturizers, such as cocoa butter, to your skin; if nothing else, it will prevent the dryness and itching associated with pregnancy-stretched skin). Susceptibility has lots to do with genetics: Chances are, if your mother got them, you probably will too. If your mother sailed through her pregnancies with smooth skin intact, you'll probably stay as smooth as your baby's butt. Rapid weight gain can also predispose you to getting stretch marks — another good reason to add your pounds slowly and steadily (at an average of about a pound a week these days). Darker-skinned women are less likely to get stretch marks (plus, they're not as visible on dark skin) — but fair-skinned gals are usually less lucky. Is there any good news about stretch marks? Here's something: They won't stay so vividly hued forever. After delivery, they usually fade to a less noticeable (and more easily concealable) silvery gray color. Meanwhile, try to wear them with pride.

Open Wide
At about seven inches in length and almost 11 ounces in weight, your baby is about the size of a large banana. There's still a great deal of room in your womb — though your tenant will soon begin to feel cramped, so be prepared! At about seven inches in length and almost 11 ounces in weight, your baby is about the size of a large banana. By now, your baby swallows at least several ounces of amniotic fluid each day — not only for hydration and nutrition, but also to practice swallowing and digesting — skills your baby will need as soon as he or she arrives in your arms. And keep this in mind: The taste of the amniotic fluid differs from day to day depending on what you've eaten (spicy enchilada one day, sweet carrots another). And that smorgasbord of tastes won't be lost on your baby. That's because your little one has very developed taste buds already. In fact, researchers have noted that babies who were exposed to certain tastes in utero via the amniotic fluid were more eager to eat foods with that same taste after birth. Want your baby to eat his or her broccoli later? Eat yours now! Your baby still has a great deal of room in your womb — though like anyone who lives in one space for a long time, this tenant will soon begin to feel cramped. Until those uterine walls start closing in, however, there's plenty of space for twisting, turning, and even an occasional somersault (so that's what you were feeling last night!). With all that belly dancing going on, it's hard to believe your baby gets any sleep at all. But believe it or not, your fetus sleeps as much as a newborn, perhaps 12 to 14 hours per day! (Now if only you could get some sleep!)

Can We Talk?
At some point in pregnancy, just about every expectant mother (and father!) begins to feel as though she's on a runaway train — with enormous changes coming round the bend. No, that's not the beach ball you lost last summer — there's really a baby in there! Now that you're starting to look pregnant (and not just like you were spending too much time with the Ben & Jerry's) and those kicks can no longer be mistaken for gas, the reality of pregnancy is probably beginning to sink in. And with it, you may find, a few ambivalent feelings you're even ambivalent about admitting. Don't worry — and hang on. At some point in pregnancy (and usually once that pregnancy becomes a very visible reality) just about every expectant mother (and father!) begins to feel as though she's on a runaway train — with enormous changes coming round the bend. And not only is it completely normal to have these feelings — it's especially healthy to acknowledge them. Talk them over with your friends who've had babies, and they're sure to reassure you that they experienced the same kind of anxiety. (Me a mom? There must be some mistake!) Most important, discuss your fears with your partner, who's probably just as in need of a good heart-to-heart.

First Kicks
Sometime between weeks 18 and 22, she'll feel what she may describe as butterflies in her stomach — but oh, baby, it's no butterfly she's feeling. Here's a word you didn't know: "Quickening." But your partner knows it — and she's been waiting for it. "Quickening" and "fetal movement" are obstetrical-speak for baby kicks, as those little arms and legs get big enough to be felt from within. Sometime between weeks 18 and 22, she'll feel what she may describe as butterflies in her stomach — but oh, baby, it's no butterfly she's feeling. It's the first physical proof positive (besides her bulging belly) that there's a new life inside her. When will you get your kicks? Those movements won't be strong enough to be felt from the outside for another few weeks — but it'll be worth the wait.

Ermmm... Anything ELSE? Sheesh!
10-4

Adding things up

That should give an understanding of what is in store this week… sort of. Trying to think one week at a time, so I don’t get too overloaded with stress… and stress is what I already have.

Feeling crappy and powerless. Physically, the doctor states I’m fine. It’s just the whole changes that create this aura of disruption every morning from waking up until past midday… And that is the annoying part in itself. Why? Ermm… I need to go to WORK. I wake up completely drained, with almost no strength to get off bed. I’ve had no enough sleep. But I get pushed or dragged out of it… So in zombiefied state I must go downstairs (in a staircase with no reels or anything to grab on, and that gets slippery every time it rains due to a ceiling crack…). Downstairs, voila! The only bathroom that works (the one upstairs is still a project/nightmare in the making)… at least the cistern does work in it, as if there is no water then no waters go to the second floor (a tube seems to be broken and there are two stains in cement patches to give an idea of where… the problem is actually fixing it due to lack of cash).

After taking a bath, I sight and stand for some minutes staring at the staircase… so I slowly go upstairs again. Upon reaching the second floor, I must run to the bathroom because of deep nausea, and stay there until I vomit even if only a slight streak of foam… If there is no vomiting it means I can’t have breakfast until I do… You know, standard procedure of the body, no ill intent… So… To get dress and frustrated because pants are starting to be too tight and can’t buy anything for now… And then to eat some breakfast that the mage has fixed up and already placed in the table. While I stare at breakfast, he comes up to me and gives me the morning dosis of insulin, and I whine because it stings… Then I eat breakfast. Then I try fixing up my hair while the mage prepares my snacks pack for work. The staircase again… We both go down, he escorts me to the car, says his farewells, and then I wonder how in hell I will actually make it to the parking lot with so many beasts driving on the streets… Everyday mornings are the pits because drivers are living hazards…

I decided WTF, so I drive as I usually do and if I get late, fuck it, at least I arrive. And not so bad, because I am nauseous all the way, and sometimes with added headache… At the parking lot, I run to take the elevator, to actually get to my office. And after all the rush, while feeling nauseous and dizzy, I keep feeling that plus weak and drained until the whole morning passes and midday arrives. The office is freaking cold, so I must visit the bath at least 4 times… After lunch I get a bit more color, and although I get as sleepy as hell at least my mind feels more productive.

As the afternoon closes, I must eat something before 5pm, or I will get another headache that will last until bedtime… After dinner I get completely sleepy, but try to leave time for the two hours I must wait before a snack for bedtime. I read something while letting the cats be free, and then stressing over it. Sometimes Groundel and Coriolis call, making time pass by much faster. I try to be in bed at 9pm at least, but I’m sometimes too anxious or completely sleepless, and so I keep reading until I doze off. Or when I am really sleepy, like yesterday, a spider comes along to fuck it all up and leave me sleepless until 1:00am… And so, the weekly routine repeats itself again, Monday through Friday…

And as each day passes, I get even more drained. By Friday, I arrive home literally dragging myself into the bed… No energy for anything else.
And I am only 20 weeks pregnant…

Feeling this way now makes me acknowledge that it will be unavoidable… I will be at a hospital before the due date… maybe for a week or two… maybe even before because of my need for rest. It is difficult to try explaining how much you need rest, that it is not a whim or a desire but a needful thing to actually function rightly. If I feel drained I can’t get off bed… If I get off bed, I will be dizzy, nauseous, and will develop a lovely migraine (my specialty). How can I be of any use that way? It’s the same with trying to fix all the things that must be fixed in that fricking house… Just Saturdays will not be enough, ever… no cash to pay anyone to do the job, no cash to get what is needed… Being in construction and having a baby is not my idea of having fun. I need to start preparing what will be the nursery… but alas! There is no room for a nursery… So… What to do? The cat’s room will need to be cleansed and they should be moved elsewhere… Maybe if I get everything in its right place downstairs, a sort-of-cage could be done downstairs… I don’t know… It all needs to be kitty safe, and childproof too.

Watching all this is quite depressing… I feel sad as there seems no way out, and I try figuring out options… but nothing… Diabetes, financial strain and a baby don’t mix. It is taking a deep toll on me. And it is just the middle of the road… And I know that it will get tougher, even more difficult… How can I try keeping a positive attitude? I just see myself bedridden. And if that happens, everything falls. I’m trying to take things easy, to breathe and take it slow… but that is not me… and it eats me up.

I know things could be worst… Things can always be worst. I am grateful of the strength that I’ve had until now, of the unconditional support I know I have from the mage, of the support from Groundel, of my crappy job that is crappy but pays the bills… I just hope I don’t run out of gas too soon.

10-4

20 weeks

Week 20: Oh Boy...or Girl

You've got a heavyweight in your belly now (well, in baby terms, anyway). Your little champ weighs about ten ounces and has a height, crown to rump, of about six and a half inches. Think small cantaloupe (and probably as sweet too).
You've got a heavyweight in your belly now (well, in baby terms, anyway). Your little champ weighs about ten ounces and has a height, crown to rump, of about six and a half inches. Think small cantaloupe (and probably as sweet too).

Is it a boy cantaloupe or a girl cantaloupe? If you're carrying a girl fetus, her uterus is fully formed this week and her vaginal canal is starting its development (which means that in about twenty-five or thirty-some-odd years, she could be just where you're at, Grandma!). She also has primitive eggs in her tiny little ovaries now, seven million of them — though by the time she's born, that number will be down to two million (still more than she could ever hope to use). And interestingly, your baby girl will be born with all the eggs she'll ever have.

Have you got male? If your fetus is a boy, his testicles have begun their descent this week, though they're still located in the abdomen, waiting for the scrotum to finish growing so they'll have a place to drop into in a few weeks.

Though the external genitals in both male and female fetuses still have a way to grow, you should be able to find out the sex of your baby (if you want to) during an ultrasound exam.


Effects on Mommy: Good Hair (and Nail) Days

You can credit (or blame) those pregnancy hormones again for changes in your hair and nails. The increased blood circulation that's bringing more nutrients to them also deserves some thanks.
Congratulations, you're at the midpoint of your pregnancy. Keeping pace, your fast-ballooning uterus has also reached the midway point, just about even with your belly button now. So go ahead — take a feel. That's one of the perks of being pregnant — you get to rub your belly anytime you want (in fact, it's expected when you're expecting). Happily, there are other perks of pregnancy too. Can't think of any? Well, here's one: Have you checked out your nails lately? They're likely growing faster than usual, and faster than you can manicure them. What about your hair? Does it feel thicker and look more healthy than usual? It's probably growing faster, too (not to mention growing in unexpected places, which may not be such a good thing). You can credit (or blame) those pregnancy hormones again for these changes. The increased blood circulation that's bringing more nutrients to your hair and nails also deserves some thanks.

The hair and nail changes are temporary…once again, good and bad news. Because even though your nails might be long, they can also turn dry and brittle (of course, it's those pregnancy hormones). And though you may love your lavish locks now, don't get too attached to them. Your good-hair-day run ends with delivery — when the normal daily hair loss that's suppressed during pregnancy (thus the thicker hair) resumes with a vengeance. Once the baby is born, all that hair that didn't fall out during pregnancy will — making you wonder whether you'll need to reach for the Rogaine (don't worry, you won't).

From http://whattoexpect.com

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are...

It was during the beggining of this year, the Year of Changes, that the mage and the witch came to realize that something wicked was coming their way... Their wedding was setup for the witch's birthdate, but a series of fortunate events made us change the date so everything else would fall in place smoothly. After all, they had wanted to marry on Christmas but the priest said it was too early...

Even if that was the case they had completed all marriage requirements because that is just what we wanted to do... The whole world seem to be against them, as there would be a constant no for our wanting to marry... Until the little mage manifested itself within them... It was then, by mid January, that the date was set to February, with the priest's blessing. After all, he had seen their genuine efforts to get together within the eyes of humans and God. So... he welcomed the news with glee, and advised prudence from their part so people would get the point that they were getting married because they had already planned to marry, not because of the smallest gift that would change their lives forever.

And so, the wedding took place. The day before the wedding the witch was told by the doctor that she needed to be hospitalized... But she refused, and so he sighted and let it go because of the situation. The witch had too much stress on herself, because of her illness, and because of the wedding itself and the stupidity from people about it...

I wish some details have been different, but all in all, at least one thing shines through: It was a ceremony filled with truth, caring and genuine love. At the altar, everything else vanished, it was just the mage, and the priest, and the witch... And it all meant something deep. We certainly felt God's smile upon us.

The honeymoon was a bit of certain and uncertain... fun and annoying. I knew the whole place by heart, the best and worst rides, and so I guided the mage so he would enjoy everything as it was his first visit to the realms of The Mouse! Of course I wanted to tag along in all the rides, but actually feeling so tired and drained just because of so much walking restrained my intent... Rollercoasters are off-limits to women who are pregnant, so... I went on to get the thrills the non-thrillride way. I scheduled every show so we would see them, as I missed seeing them two years ago (I was on a thrill ride frenzy back then, oh yes, I love adrenaline!). I allowed for the mage to go into the you-cannot-miss-that-ride speeches... he went to get them, but felt really bad he could not share the experience with me. Nevermind that... there is always next time... And anyway, the best thing we did was visiting Sea World, and enjoying La Nouba. Those two really were a delight.

During the honeymoon I tried to eat right, but somehow something always happenned that I had to eat just what was offered which was not always the best... So upon returning the doctor was quite mad at us. I got the point that he thought we were being careless out of whim, and so I created a table and added a notebook to my purse where I would write down everything I ate, day by day, and if something out of the ordinary happenned. For 4 weeks I had to visit the doctor every Friday, and finally he was content with the outcome. He allowed for 4 weeks to pass, and so yesterday I met the appointment. I took the lab tests, all were ok and within normal ranges. The sugar a bit high, but in control still. He seemed pleased to know about the nutricionist being happy. So, got an appointment for May 2nd.

The hardest part of it all is having to take the insulin injections twice a day. I am also expected to take blood tests before and after meals, which adds up to 6 times per day at least... and test strips are really expensive. I hate needles by now, really hate them. I've had constant nausea and vomiting each morning from the middle of the honeymoon to now... seems it will go on... I feel tired all the time, mornings are hellish, and anything makes me drained. I'm also getting allergies as a magnet... I wish I could just stay at home and forget about work and every other obligation... So hard when duty calls all the time... and there seems to be no me-time at all... Suck it up, deal with it... But this last week it really has been the pits because of all the stress and frustration I feel. Because of work, because the mage cannot be there as he would like to because of his work and his duties, because of my feeling crappy in body and soul, because of my constant dissapointment about studies and work advancement and my true vocation as a painting artist... And to top it all, the stress of my illness and knowing all the uncertain things that may happen and may affect me and the unborn child.

This Saturday will be the 20th week. Based on everything the doc told me yesterday things are running normally and smoothly... which makes me breathe a bit easier... It all really worried me. I have Betsy in my heart, and I know I cannot let work get to me, or something like what happenned to her may come true... (she died after preclamsia, high blood pressure and asthma complications... Her baby came through, though). So... Eating as right as I can, trying my best to keep up with the insulin and the blood tests, trying not to force myself even if I think I can do some things (which I know I shouldn't do although I try)... Been reading a lot about diabetes and pregnancy... Extreme control is needed. I don't know if I have it in me to achieve that... At least I have been reassured that this doc will do his best to make me keep the control, even if I don't like the measures... LOL

Went to the WIC and although I didnt qualify at first, I explained the whole situation to the nutritionist and she arranged some changes based on little facts, lowering the mage's income and adding his girl to the family count. At least now I'm certain there will be milk and eggs and cereal at the very least... Money is very, very tight... Diabetes is an expensive illness...

So far, we have no way of knowing what the child will be. After some discussion we agreed on two names:

If it's a girl, Deirdre Valeria.
Deirdre is one of the Mayfair witches in Anne Rice's masterpiece The Witching Hour. It is also the name of one of my favorite NPC characters at AD&D gaming, a warmage anti-paladin priestess of Kali (Blaze darkstream's evil daughter).
Valeria is Conan's wife, who at Conan The Barbarian died in battle becoming a valkyrie.

If it's a boy, Vincent Sebastian.
Vincent is the gentle, thoughtful, kind, protective, and very deadly feral beast at the old TV series of Beauty and the Beast. I have always been in love with this character... He stands right at captain herlock's side.
Sebastian has two sources... First, the happy-no-nonsense lobster from Little Mermaid, my favorite Disney movie. Second, Sebastian Bach, one of my favorite classic composers.

Most people have told me it will be a boy, and we often refer to it at Vincent... but who knows... Deirdre is a stealthy witch after all... LOL

Zordak is really happy about it all. I am still internalizing it, as I never expected to become pregnant... I had always believed I could not have children, especially after my being for so long with Tril and then with Groundel... And nothing ever happened... I had scheduled my life so I would adopt two to three children upon reaching 40, after having completed my doctor's degree, moved to the States, and travel a bit... So at first, the news were filled with mixed emotions. Plans changed dramatically just because of a positive test... New priorities... and new dangers for my self. But one thing remains certain: Of all the people I know, no one could have been the best choice as a father for my child. It became him, because he is the one. He has no evil in him, he is compassionate, gentle, caring and kind. He is giving and unselfish. He views life as a whole beautiful page that must be savored. He transmits love in everything he does. He still has innocence in his ways. And all that is a rare find these days...

I know that this child was born of true love, from two souls that reached for each other believing forever was meant to be their destiny. Nothing can be as beautiful and meaningful as this. And that is why I was granted the deepest wish of a child of my own. A gift in disguise, that was wicked in its timing but true in its intent as it was the ultimate signal that, yes, the mage was the one for me, for real, forever... my reward after so much pain and suffering.

And so we have all been assured that love is the way... Xena knew it all! LOL

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