Friday, April 13, 2007

Adding things up

That should give an understanding of what is in store this week… sort of. Trying to think one week at a time, so I don’t get too overloaded with stress… and stress is what I already have.

Feeling crappy and powerless. Physically, the doctor states I’m fine. It’s just the whole changes that create this aura of disruption every morning from waking up until past midday… And that is the annoying part in itself. Why? Ermm… I need to go to WORK. I wake up completely drained, with almost no strength to get off bed. I’ve had no enough sleep. But I get pushed or dragged out of it… So in zombiefied state I must go downstairs (in a staircase with no reels or anything to grab on, and that gets slippery every time it rains due to a ceiling crack…). Downstairs, voila! The only bathroom that works (the one upstairs is still a project/nightmare in the making)… at least the cistern does work in it, as if there is no water then no waters go to the second floor (a tube seems to be broken and there are two stains in cement patches to give an idea of where… the problem is actually fixing it due to lack of cash).

After taking a bath, I sight and stand for some minutes staring at the staircase… so I slowly go upstairs again. Upon reaching the second floor, I must run to the bathroom because of deep nausea, and stay there until I vomit even if only a slight streak of foam… If there is no vomiting it means I can’t have breakfast until I do… You know, standard procedure of the body, no ill intent… So… To get dress and frustrated because pants are starting to be too tight and can’t buy anything for now… And then to eat some breakfast that the mage has fixed up and already placed in the table. While I stare at breakfast, he comes up to me and gives me the morning dosis of insulin, and I whine because it stings… Then I eat breakfast. Then I try fixing up my hair while the mage prepares my snacks pack for work. The staircase again… We both go down, he escorts me to the car, says his farewells, and then I wonder how in hell I will actually make it to the parking lot with so many beasts driving on the streets… Everyday mornings are the pits because drivers are living hazards…

I decided WTF, so I drive as I usually do and if I get late, fuck it, at least I arrive. And not so bad, because I am nauseous all the way, and sometimes with added headache… At the parking lot, I run to take the elevator, to actually get to my office. And after all the rush, while feeling nauseous and dizzy, I keep feeling that plus weak and drained until the whole morning passes and midday arrives. The office is freaking cold, so I must visit the bath at least 4 times… After lunch I get a bit more color, and although I get as sleepy as hell at least my mind feels more productive.

As the afternoon closes, I must eat something before 5pm, or I will get another headache that will last until bedtime… After dinner I get completely sleepy, but try to leave time for the two hours I must wait before a snack for bedtime. I read something while letting the cats be free, and then stressing over it. Sometimes Groundel and Coriolis call, making time pass by much faster. I try to be in bed at 9pm at least, but I’m sometimes too anxious or completely sleepless, and so I keep reading until I doze off. Or when I am really sleepy, like yesterday, a spider comes along to fuck it all up and leave me sleepless until 1:00am… And so, the weekly routine repeats itself again, Monday through Friday…

And as each day passes, I get even more drained. By Friday, I arrive home literally dragging myself into the bed… No energy for anything else.
And I am only 20 weeks pregnant…

Feeling this way now makes me acknowledge that it will be unavoidable… I will be at a hospital before the due date… maybe for a week or two… maybe even before because of my need for rest. It is difficult to try explaining how much you need rest, that it is not a whim or a desire but a needful thing to actually function rightly. If I feel drained I can’t get off bed… If I get off bed, I will be dizzy, nauseous, and will develop a lovely migraine (my specialty). How can I be of any use that way? It’s the same with trying to fix all the things that must be fixed in that fricking house… Just Saturdays will not be enough, ever… no cash to pay anyone to do the job, no cash to get what is needed… Being in construction and having a baby is not my idea of having fun. I need to start preparing what will be the nursery… but alas! There is no room for a nursery… So… What to do? The cat’s room will need to be cleansed and they should be moved elsewhere… Maybe if I get everything in its right place downstairs, a sort-of-cage could be done downstairs… I don’t know… It all needs to be kitty safe, and childproof too.

Watching all this is quite depressing… I feel sad as there seems no way out, and I try figuring out options… but nothing… Diabetes, financial strain and a baby don’t mix. It is taking a deep toll on me. And it is just the middle of the road… And I know that it will get tougher, even more difficult… How can I try keeping a positive attitude? I just see myself bedridden. And if that happens, everything falls. I’m trying to take things easy, to breathe and take it slow… but that is not me… and it eats me up.

I know things could be worst… Things can always be worst. I am grateful of the strength that I’ve had until now, of the unconditional support I know I have from the mage, of the support from Groundel, of my crappy job that is crappy but pays the bills… I just hope I don’t run out of gas too soon.


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