Hello my beloved angel diva,
Work takes most of the day, and sleep completes the circle... yet there is not a second that passes by without me thinking of you. What if you have stayed with us for a little while... What if we could have completed some of the immediate plans... What if some people have stayed, and other had chosen to be actually present in your life... What if things had not disappointed you and frustrated you as they did... What a long list of what ifs, my little one! But all are just movies that play in the background, movies that make believe so many different paths for you, or about you... All those movies play at intervals, choosing to run and stop and run again... What if... Eternal what ifs that will forever play, as we are forever haunted by the irreversible truth of your absence.
It has been 19 months and 22 days without your heart beating, or your warm fingers insisting on triggering your favorite Kai-lan doll. It has been just too long since listening to your fussy complaints whenever you woke up scared through the night and I heard... and ran to your room to get in your bed, and caress your hair until you would finally go back to sleep. It has been just too long since I last diva-fied your nails with your favorite colors: Bright pink and green stripes. It has been just too long since listening to those songs that drove Daddy crazy... the song of the little ship that could not sail... Mambru coming back from war... the cat stuck at the end of the well... Each time we read or watch the tales that you loved so much, like the Very Hungry Caterpillar, or Up in my balloon, or Them Bones... it all brings back so many memories we hold dear, and at the same time a deep pain that pierces our chest over and over... And each time we pick up a book of The Wonder Pets... what can I tell you that you don't already know, Dee... Wonder Pets are just you. Every little thing has a piece of you, and the good part is that it keeps you alive with us... yet the bad thing is that it also screams your absence...
Time has been the most treacherous creature. Time has moved along, faster than we thought... People say time would make things better, would make it all fall in place. Well, apparently those people have never lost anyone dear... because the more time that passes by, the more I miss you and the more we need you, and the more we have to realize that you are gone and the whole world seems to be dulled from that fact... What can we expect? For those who did not know you, you had to go. And for those that knew you... it was your time. For those that love you, it was just too fast, it is just too unfair, it is all just too much. We don't understand why people who are no good to their kids still have them, how come the ones that care for their kids have to go through so many ordeals... We don't understand why you had to go, when at that precise moment in life things were placed at your feet... and life had so many door opening for you... We don't understand why it all ended as it did... and how come the harshest storm is not over yet... as missing you is a constant blizzard that buries us in pain.
What ifs are just those wishes that can't be, and the true story is a beautiful ballad that keeps playing as we stare into your never-ending gaze... Deedee, how we miss you! How can we go on through life without sharing it all with you... The years with you were in fact the most wonderful years of our life, and all we learned from you is priceless. We knew heaven each time you opened your eyes and smiled at us... we knew hell each time we landed in the hospital and battled for you... The intense living is something that changed us... And it seems no one else understands just how deep it goes... what truly matters to us... and how we suffer in silence. We try to smile for you, Dee, as it is what you would want... You smiled though your adversity. You always looked upon us at the end of all trials and smiled making every effort worth it... You showed us how to go through life, how to battle for life, how to enjoy what really matters. Family comes first. Your beauty intoxicated us, and it keeps on inspiring us... My love, we know what you want from us, and we are trying so hard to accomplish it...
We place one foot in front of the other... We smile for we believe in the promise of a tomorrow where we will all be united... We keep swimming because we have no other choice. Forever being a misfit in a land where love and friendship is barren, and where people just survive at the expense of their souls. We are misfits, deeply changed by true love, forever bleeding... You know this is true, Dee... We look for a North that is a dream, and we go through life trying to live up to what you inspired on us. Every little breath is a deep struggle... moving along... finding the colors... I can only hope that your silent voice will keep guiding us towards the right path, and that the little projects can come true... because of you. I have not forgotten... and I always keep my promises.
Please tickle us with your wings, take away the sadness... We love you so, our little star... Forever missing you... I hope you smile upon the little journey to see you. I look forward to it... Don't ever think that such an important day will not be acknowledge in big! Until then... In dreams I walk with you.