Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Pressure, Scraps, Deedee and Friends

Slow day… Thankfully. Waking up in the mornings is becoming quite a heavy burden… literally. The weight of the baby is evident each time I move sideways. Sleeping on the right side leaves me with a dormant leg for almost half an hour. Sleeping on the left side although is the recommended position, is quite uncomfortable for me. Sleeping on my back leaves me with no air as the baby pushes herself upwards. Lately the viable solution is to go seat on the couch, which has been previously filled with pillows… And then the neck gets strained. Neverending story… Going upstairs is becoming more than a nuisance… I get to the first step and look up, and all I can do is sight and go step by step, one by one, slowly, so I make certain I don’t slip if it is wet. Reaching the upper floor deserves a standing ovation… The mage (and everyone else, as a matter of fact) is enjoying watching my “penguin walk”… yes, it looks funny… Feeling the pressure of the head in the lower abdomen is not a funny matter, though… Mostly it is that pressure that makes me completely uncomfortable and grouchy. I need to walk around and stand in order to do things, and now I’m forced to stay seated or laying back… Everything is a mess and how can I put things together without balance and strength? Yes, everything is VERY frustrating.

Got some scrapbooking papers and stuff so I know I’ll be very entertained at home for those 3 months I should stay confined. I received the bundle of wedding pictures, which also have the honeymoon pics and some other pics of the travels around the isle. I should put most pregnancy pics together so I send them to the photo place as soon as possible, so I can do the beginning of the baby scrapbook beginning with the ultrasounds. Been collecting ideas, gotta do some journaling so I don’t forget some details and so I know exactly what should go where… It will be fun keeping track of all the firsts after Deirdre is born… the arrival home, first Halloween (VERY important!), first Thanksgiving, first Xmas… and all the other firsts that are corny but cute.

Deirdre is moving a lot, side to side. On the last visit to the doctor I was quite blah and sad thanks to everything that has been going on… but the doctor has a nice empathy and says things that fits the picture to perfection even if he has no idea of what the problems are. Yes, only God keeps promises and is always there unconditionally. He mentioned he expects the birthing to be without complications… hopefully a Cesarean will be avoided, if things keep normal. Deirdre is in the right position, and I have turned out quite stable. If there are no hidden surprises, piece of cake… sort of… My diabetes has me nervous, but I know everything is under control. I’ve followed the rules… and strayed only occasionally. From 218 I went down to 213 when I began the nutritionist diet, and then have gained weight appropriately until now, that I am at 228. Fifteen pounds so far… Not bad at all. Now I should try to take care and not let it go any further, so things keep on in control… It’s just that and moving is such a hassle! I don’t get how women let themselves blow up 30-40 pounds!

Started grouping all the things we’ll need at the hospital. Baby stuff is ready, and mommy’s stuff is almost ready. I’m so minimalistic, but I don’t envision an expedition. I trust it will be two days at the hospital, to say the most. Will keep the pillow and the warm and cozy comforter close at hand in the car… I cannot be without a comforter. Need to figure out how the breast pump works so it won’t be another on-the-spot nuisance.

I’m very happy with all the stuff that was gathered for Deirdre one way or the other. I was worried about not having been able to buy her anything, but between the baby showers and what the failed committee got, it all is more than enough. Yes, it is all very pink (and I hope that in the end it is not a boy or he’ll have some mild pinkish trauma! LOL), but both the used clothing and the new items are perfect. I see most things as commodities, I only expected being able to cover the basics. People have been very generous, to my surprise. The only things that are left to be found are a cradle and a changing table, but that is not disturbing me. Right now, I have very little space and I know Deirdre will be staying in our room until Xmas. If the cradle doesn’t appear, I’ll just get a twin bed and fence it up. I think that in the long run it is the best decision so money is spent wisely. I hope that the windows-A/C-bath are done soon enough, to at least do something to the designated growing up room… Feng-shui should be followed… And the kitties shall be free one month from now. I’ll figure out what to do with the room’s décor… May give some wooden planks to Groundel so he draws the cartoons I may need for that endeavour… I like murals, but should keep things changeable simply because I like so many different things… StrawberryShortcake, HK, Skelanimals, CareBears, RaggedyAnn… Wooden planks will make decorating easier. Gotta put up the closet, another project for the mage.

Things will never be perfect, but they can always become bearable. For me it is the people who works that magic, not the possessions. Somehow that small thing gets lost in translation whenever people try pleasing me in any way. I don’t care about expensive gifts, I don’t care about the razzle-dazzle. I care about warmth and feelings and presence and creating special memories. I care about traditions and values. For someone who is such an anti-social loner, I like being around some special people just because. I don’t understand why if I can make the time to do so, most simply won’t do the same. I understand the haste of today’s living, but… there must always be time to roast marshmallows… there must always be time to watch a sunset… Throughout the years, I’ve watched how things have changed so much all around me. I recall friends meeting friends in a weekly basis, to share joys and woes… and it didn’t matter if there was pizza or just bread and water. Distance should not be an excuse... this is an island. We are close no matter where we are. Family should not be an excuse… Friends are the family you choose through your lifetime, for better or for worst. I don’t understand why small things destroy such special bonds… small stupid things that could be fixed with such ease…

I have always had an alien view of reality… The more years that people know me, the less they pay attention to who I am, to what matters the most for me. The surface seems so unstable… so rippled… But I am as I have always been. My dreams have not changed that much. My belief in my friends have not changed that much. I understand many things about all the people that I care for, and most of the times it seems I’m the only one who sees all that they are capable of achieving. I’ve always been the silent watcher. From the shadows I see everything… and I may even make some miracles happen, just because… getting no credit for them, but plenty of joy simply because I made things happen… Always the human guardian angel of those I love the most. And even if disappointment breaks me, I know more than just to take things lightly or as an absolute. How can I go through life being heartbroken? The phoenix brings strength and hope simply by existing. It is immortal simply by letting its passion consume it... so it’s reborn. And as such, I am. Maybe someday those around me will see me as I really am, instead of assuming or judging based on what they perceive as the truth about the witch… Maybe someday they will learn to read the truth from the blood, from the depths… from the reins zenith… As it should be. In the meanwhile… I’ll just keep the wishful thoughts of dreaming of knights and courage and loyalty and faith. Hopefully some of it will stick in Deirdre's subcontious...


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