Drained world...

After the long Monday I was completely off fuel. At night I fall in my bed, the stress thanks to people’s stupidity both at work and within family left me quite moody and drained. The heat didn’t help either. I found myself without strength to get up on Tuesday, being completely exhausted. Heatstroke, stress, emotional turmoil, depression, anger… all mixed up in a nice little bottle. Morning and afternoon passed away. The heat was too strong and didn’t help at all, the more hours passed, the more drained I felt. The mage arrived early, as he was concerned about me and asked for some time out at work so he could take care of me. And so, the night passed away being equally draining and unnerving.

Wednesday morning still felt beyond crappy, but knew I had the WIC appointment so the mage went with me to the small talk… It was to give a small intro to breast feeding… like I have not been reading a lot about that lately… Anyway, it took around two hours. We passed by a megastore to get an A/C so if the stairs/ceiling guy appears he can also install it… hopefully during the weekend. By then I was already feeling dizzy and nauseous again, and so we headed home. Arrived in time to greet the sink, and feeling sick all over just went on to collapse in my bed. Some hours later I got a call from Groundel about the painting issue which at the moment I couldn’t care less about… Later on he appeared at home ready for painting action. Then the mage appeared with bad and good news. Then LightShadow arrived. After the gathering, the elf and the ogre went away, and I tried to get off the heat with a nice bath. The night was a bit more restful, although it was hot at first… I feel as a furnace. I am feeling that the mage is colder than me, and he is always irradiating heat. Summer is just beginning, and it all sucks badly. I’ve read much about pregnant women trying their best to keep their cool, since by the ending months they will feel heatstroke… How can you actually keep cool in a tropical island!? Ugh! For now trying my best to be in my office will have to cut it… as well as trying to put the A/C at home for sleeping… to see if I can have uneventful non-draining sleep… Deirdre is already having fun creating chaos…

Besides the heat, my lower back is killing me, more than usual of course. The frequent visits to the office are very annoying. And although most of my clothing can expand a bit, I’m worried about the last months… For now I have to juggle the little I have, I cannot spend much on clothing and things I won’t use after 3-4 more months… Too many bills, and the ones that will come. Someone wrote “Enjoy your pregnancy”. Maybe I would actually enjoy it if I hit the jackpot or something… Not having the means to complete the basics is NOT fun. I’ve also been warned that I should create a “support network”. How. Give me a good prescription for that. My best friends cannot reach me even if they wanted to: Coriolis is in SanJuan, Groundel has no car, Raven has no gas and no time almost daily, and LightShadow is always on the go due to work duties. I cannot count on my dear family… only auntie is my best bet, and she somehow manages to bring me to tears with her lack of understanding and her complete selfishness. Everyone else glows by their absence, and I suspect that it is a blessing in disguise. It’s just the mage and me…

I worry about what may happen if I get sick while there is no one else in the house. Last week’s fall made me very uneasy about it all. If I had fall actually breaking something in my legs I would have had to stay there in the floor until the mage’s arrival. No one would have noticed, there is no one around. And ever since that stupid fall my right leg bothers much while going upstairs… It will be sore for a while… My mood is not too high due to everything. Feeling awful and sick seems not enough excuse as I must comply to duties that are not really in my hands. Like in Monday, when auntie gave me this big fight just because I forgot to get peroxide for her hair and I said I would get it the next day because I was not feeling well and I just wanted to go home. Big fight because she needed it ipso-facto. Who cares about me actually feeling too bad to even drive? Who cares if I had a long day at work, swallowing up people’s stupidity? Who cares if I have a deep migraine teamed up with nausea? Peroxide comes first. The need to fight me, yell at me, put me down… comes first. I must do everything for everyone, but no one can at least be nice to me just because… or just out of a bit of consideration.

I have high levels of stress built up on me… The constant of feeling helpless and lonely doesn’t do much to change that. The constant struggling and trying to find solutions is burning me out… leaving me with no desire to do anything more… I just want to be in bed forever, isolated from so much crap, away from so much ignorance and stupidity… I’m weary. I’m beyond tired. I’m beyond jaded. I just want to fall in a long sleep, and never wake up. I see no end to all the problems, just more additions. And I am supposed to smile and give thanks for all I’ve got and go on… trusting the sun will shine tomorrow and the birds and the bees will all do a nice choreography with Mary Poppins. Right... I cannot even take a spoonful of sugar, as she would suggest... Just the close substitute, and it's never the same.

Move on. On a lighter note, may get one of those thinguies to listen to pre-natal heartbeat and play Mozart to the fetus so at least it has a higher chance of liking something else besides the crappy music you hear in this place... Been looking for things within Hello Kitty, Keroppi, Chococat, Raggedy Ann 7 Andy and classic Strawberry Shortcake. At least to get ideas for the decorations I would like to do on the child's room. Been looking for craddle sets, and for newborn stuff. Been looking for the breast feeding pumps as well. So, been a bit entertained... In the midst of chaos... All cannot be gloom. Wishful thinking is always around...

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