People don’t get when their comments really make you feel bad… I may smile politely and suck it up, but I just feel like closing all doors and crying until I just can’t cry no more… I get this visit from a co-worker from Aguadilla. She’s due 4 weeks before me. So she comes to see me everytime she comes to the office, I really don’t know why… I can’t stand her. Today she looked for me (as I was not in my office but giving service) and when she found me she started the neverending talk about all the things she has prepared for the baby, yadda yadda. And she asks me what have I done. So nice being on the spot like that. I just smiled and said its only six months, it’s too early for me to be doing anything. And to that followed this thesis that I am not six but seven months pregnant, and that I should have already this and that… That I can give birth anytime after the 7th month. And then people turn to give all details on their preparation experiences… how they did this and that… And offer to give me (of all people, me!) decoration magazines so I get ideas to decorate the nursery… You know, I am so clueless in all that must be done… I have this knot in my throat, and trying to breath in and breath out I smile and go away to my office.
Do I need ideas? Not really. Do I know I could have the girl anytime? Yes. Do I know all that must be done? Yes. I don’t lack creativity or knowledge… And I do want so much to do things… I just don’t have the means to. There is no money. I need to fix basic things to at least make things bearable… I cannot go into whims and pretty things simply because it all requires cash. Do I need to buy everything? No. I can make things myself… but you need the raw material to actually do things… and I don’t even have the baby’s bed. And how you get the cloths to make curtains and sheets and ruffles? From thin air?
Oh, I do have inspiration… I wanted to create an original Skelanimals theme in black and white, getting two or three of the plush dolls for reference… but not even that… I could settle for Hello Kitty as it is everywhere, but it is quite pricey… And I still don’t have the room for Deirdre. (sight) I need to do the cat fence, to put up the A/C, to fix the upstairs bathroom, to fix the room’s window, to fix the stairs ceiling, to get a stairs handrail, to fix the broken water tube… To fix my car this weekend… And on top of it all, we need to eat, I need to get lancets and there are two doctor’s appointments around the corner. If it were not for WIC I could have not followed any diet at all… We barely got me some pieces that may help me survive a bit these last months… At least a co-worker donated something for the baby, so at least I am certain she won’t be naked… But it all is so frustrating and so uphill… It sucks having ideas and creativity when you can actually do nothing to make things happen. And of course, people don’t realize that… They are all for the baby and the pretty in pink side of it all. How can I try to enjoy what is happening, when situations can only trigger anxiety and helplessness… It’s just us, the mage and me… no one else helps in anything at all. And me giving physical help is limited even more by the hours that pass…
Standing everyone with the stupid salute hailing the belly, stating that Oh, miracle! It’s growing! Really! (As if babies grew inwards or something)… Simply smiling and wandering off when all you want to do is punch their faces or strangle them is sometimes too much… Why must people repeat the same crap 10 times a day, each time they see you? And smile stupidly? And use that annoying so-called-cute tone? Especially irritating from two-face people that would like to see you splatted by a mammoth… And the same question, is everything allright… Do I look allright? And, geesh, they all have gone through it, so they should KNOW no, I am not allright, I feel like crap and I really hate being asked the same stupid question constantly!
I wish I didn’t have to be here in this crappy place… I just want to be in peace and quiet, perhaps with less annoying company… just with people that really cared or that at least appreciated me truthfully. My great motivation to show up in the office: It has A/C. Nothing of further interest or meaning. The days get longer by the second… And I get out beyond drained, tired, frustrated, anxious, and sad…
I wish I could do more, to prepare things properly for Deirdre. But I’m tied up in every way. All I can do is hope that she will be just fine, and all I can give can only translate to neverending love. I’ve never had anything material to give… And even if I had hoped for the view to change, it all is getting worst… At least love is completely certain. From both of us.
10-4
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