Tuesday, December 31, 2013

At Year's End...

The year is about to end, and the mandatory retrospective kicks in... Many things to be thankful for, and many others that keep on being questionable. This year was the year of the journey to find our place after our world ended. This was the year that we discovered who is really up to give everything for you, and who doesn't. This is the year that we dragged ourselves from our abyss, and rise again as undead... forever changed by the kiss of death that transformed our lives. This is what vampires and zombies must feel after their lives return... after the spark of something unnatural makes them open their eyes and move their limbs and respond to humans... We look like we are the same sentient beings, but we are not. We rise from our abyss with no real notion of why things happenned, what is the final big lesson, why destiny keeps on being fickle and throwing elements of adventure that require much desire and skill that after our world's end seemed simply... pointless.

The journey after the abyss has been its own little adventure. It did fulfill the goal of moving us forward as an unit. Like little good soldiers we went to battle and we faced the challenges... and we achieved a victory that rewarded us with some peace. In the eyes of society we have stepped up, we have demonstrated we are capable of sustaining a home and we are capable of performing all sorts of mundane tasks... playing our part in the great play that is established by modern life.

It is all a blunt joke in itself. We gave wings to a child that was dismissed by the world after she was branded dead by a terminal illness, we gave her a strong will, the ability to dream big, and the courage to defy the system and live with purpose... We defended this child with all we had, against lawyers, against doctors, against the system, against non-believers... We build her a castle in her own home, and delivered her kingdoms. She bloomed in knowledge, in creativity, in dreams... For 5 years we lived for her, we fought all who did not believe in her, we believed in her, and we looked forward to delivering her the tools so she could amaze everyone with all we knew that she could do. We became specialists in the field of her illness... advocates for her rights, researchers, therapists, mentors... we even make sure that she would see us more than anything as mom and dad as we worked miracles in the background... And after doing all this, we have to go through the process of demonstrating we can keep it together, keep a job and pay bills.

Really? Society is that illogical? Yes, we have wowed everyone because we can be responsible and we put family first (and just seeing Kali's smile and be happy confirm that, not everything else we have done). Really... So we survived as good soldiers, and now we are entangled in the little routine that everyone calls normal and all is fine because normal is fine. Work, pay, and move on. Normal empty living is what counts. We are responsible now... We have value now. We are no longer homeless. Success is that we smile and know how to meet deadlines and how to make numbers look good. Success is complying with all of society's expectations, all ending up polished, with material things to show off. Oh, we are sane. Oh, we are not loosers. Guess what, we did not lie... we are useful and educated and can do so much... Success. Alas! We are no longer leeches of any system, and finally we stopped dragging a sad story... We stand. Raise your cups! Let a choir give some shape to some pompous tunes.

We are forever changed. We know what it means to loose everything you hold dear... In our case, it was our beloved daughter Deirdre. Yes, it was also hard what came afterwards... But nothing is as hard as not hearing her machines and her grunts every night and every morning. We were fools to believe in so many who easily put words but whose actions were absent. We trusted with our hearts opened, and our hearts were impaled. We witnessed so many miracles even in the abyss... And we learned that only God never fails. We don't understand why we have to prove over and over who we are and what we do to the people who know us... and have known us for long... We don't understand why instead of believing in us those around us shunned us, turned their backs and chose to close their eyes while we were trying to survive the abyss... We did not expect our journey to be easy, with a road filled with white roses at our feet but we did expect compassion and words and presence... not money, not anything material... We hear so many songs about love and friendship, about beauty and family... So many songs became our hymns through decades... And we believed that those hymns were and invisible oath... and that they were so true... Suddenly the ending of the Fox and the Hound comes to mind and makes so much sense... in a cruel and sad way, because in real like that idea of friendship seems so torn... Forever is a word that is followed by “if it is convenient for me” in modern society. Whatever happened to “inconditional”... Whatever happened to “through thick and thin”. Whatever happened to true love, honor, doing things because it is right, sharing, kindness, empathy, compassion... giving just a call... sending just a message... simple notes in the mail or email... being connected without Internet. Wow... Old-fashioned concepts from an old-fashioned mind... I am getting old.

So this was the year of rising from the abyss... to find a purpose... to return back to life. The journey has delivered many harsh realities, have shown us the real faces of people, have shown us how jaded and wrong is society as a whole thinking they can patch you up after your world ends and then just put a tin mechanic heart in you so you can just be productive and stop bothering and move on. Success comes from a tin mechanic heart that allows you to follow the mandatory chained way... up, up, up... mangling your skin in the way, but replacing it with more tin patch-ups.

As this year ends, I am very happy it finally does end. I am happy that I can still see the difference between what is right and what is wrong, and that I still do what I do as I always have. I am happy that through this all I have always been myself, I have always fought for a higher cause, and I have no regrets. I am happy this year ends with the people that really matter around me. I am happy I got to know who is real and who is not. I am happy I was chosen by God to take care of an angel for 5 years and 2 months... grateful because so many families do not get that chance to get to really know their angel... grateful because my angel made me realize what is important and what a difference we can make in someone's life. I am happy because she was happy with us, and now is around us helping us so we can help others... I am happy because we came out of the abyss being true to ourselves. I am happy we have a home, and a job, and health... I am grateful my small family is always together no matter what. No one is left behind. As the year closes I turn to face the horizon, close my eyes to hear Deedee's laughter, hold my little one and my dear hubby, and step forward trusting that I do not need to see where I am walking into... We will always be together and true, and no one will ever be able to change that. The abyss couldn't. Our times of trouble couldn't. God guides our way anyway. No need to keep looking back.

Let this year be over really soon... I look forward to the blessings ahead of us, and all we can do. Let society have its tin heart. I know mine lives on in an angel... so it beats beautifully.


I love you always, Deedee. But you already know that...

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Always with Us

Always with us, always present. A year and one month went away, yet we feel you rigt here, right now. Through the tides your wings lifts us up... The never-ending woe of not being able to hold you in our arms brings on overwhelming sadness... But the thought of you, free of machines, free of a wheelchair, free to do as you wish, gives us strength to carry on. We do carry on, in your honor. We have not forgotten anything. We have not forgotten the promises. We have not forgotten what is important, what we fight for...

You know for your Anniversary we did the wall of your 2012 travels... For Thanksgiving we did the wall for 2011. The images of you all around us gives our hearts a warm embrace... although bittersweet. We miss so much those lovely smizing eyes... We love you, Dee... Always.