Tuesday, April 29, 2014

A Year and a Half

No, it is not lazyness or that I have stopped feeling... Days have been swarmed with work and there is nothing else left but answer to the call of duty... It has been a year and half since our beloved diva went on her greatest adventure of all. Many changes, many unexpected events... The fight goes on, our pledge to live for you and to honor your memory keeps driving what is left of our lives. You have to admit that we are trying... and you also have to acknowledge and see that things are not so simple and that there is no one that really understands what our life is like now... Nothing is ever complete. You are missed... in everything we do, in every breath we take without you.

I wish we really had the time to heal, surrounded with caring people who would not mind our endless talks about you. I wish there were more to look forward to... I plan big, but my plans crumble as day to day needs must take precedence to wishes and dreams. It is an ordeal in itself just trying to live life to the fullest when the walls keep getting highuer and each time you get to crawl out of the big hole you get pushed back even deeper. Don't get me wrong, I won't give up or give in... I am just complaining because I am tired of sucking it all up. I am tired of having to march on like a soldier that feels nothing and just accomplishes a mission. So many people waste their lives yet they have it easy... I never have wasted my life... and there is no break. Such is life... Never fair, always an unexpected journey...

We are changed forever. We try to fit into what is called normal, but we do not belong to that group anymore. We experienced something improbable, we experienced something humbling and higuer than us... We can never be the same. We do not see the world like normal people do... We don't see the daily problems as people do... We have priorities that doesn't synchronize with the rat race that society demands just to live. Purpose and aspirations... yes, I have many... But the trap of the normal life that requires following a rat race and just following is just a dead end and a rotting illness. Being forced to do normal just to survive for peanuts and not even feeling a sense of accomplishment is a layer of limbo in itself that numbs senses and thoughts. I am to do much more... And I can't right now... And between the sadness of not having you physically with us, and the anxiety of the randomness of our normal life... How to find happiness, my little mage? You did that trick so easily just by staring into my eyes... My little mage that achieved so much in just five years, moving people's hearts all over the world and being living proof that miracles happen but people just choose not to se ethem.

Your life was a continupus miracle, a continuous ode to defiance and steadfastness. You remain an inspiration to us... You remain the reason why we try to be better, and just do. You lead by being our example, and we know that you keep on doing amazing things in your other life... How could you not? Our guardian angel, our first daughter, our forever.

Missing you so much... Loving you always.