Tuesday, October 23, 2018


One moment frozen in time, frozen in carbonite to be repeated again and again throughout eternity... One moment that changed everything in our lives, forever.

From that moment there is nothing else that trying to climb up, up, out of the rabbit's hole. That moment was rock bottom, total destruction of so much built... our castle of glass shattered beyond repair, all fragments pulverized by the sudden, merciless impact.

Where do we go from becoming numb yet feeling all your inner self ripped apart? Where do you go from the horror of total helplessness while everything moves around you at warp speed... while your reaction is slow... too slow to utter a complaint... too slow to even react with screams or tears...

It was a moment that went by and faded away for many... but one strong moment of heavy repercussions and instant constant of pain and anger and grief and sadness and loss. It is a constant that is ongoing and with each repetition keeps travelling through time and space with stronger momentum and deeper piercing.

It has been 6 years since we lost our beloved diva, our first daughter, our champion of dreams, our inspiration for doing anything... Losing her... we lost everything. We lost ourselves. We broke, pulverized heart and soul. The worst and the unthinkable danced in front of us, like a ghostly image that we could not touch... The heartbreak is still there. Six years have not made it better. The images of paleness and blood and strangers maneuvering attempts at miracles are as vivid as it was then... We had hoped for a soft ending filled with warmth, a lovely letting go. Nothing could have prepared us for the cruel slap in the face that was fast, unmerciful, raw... Yes, raw is the right word. Nothing can surprise us now, as we lived through raw horror.  The feeling keeps its resonance each morning and each night. It has not changed. Looking for her at our side keeps on being an instinct... We are a family of 4, not 3. The sheer happiness of staring into her eyes, of making the impossible possible is just gone. Trying to keep living implies fighting off this force around your throat that makes you gasp for air... It is a constant drowning.

Six years... to look back and realize the beauty of time past. How beautiful she made every morning and every night. It was magical waking up and going to her, knowing she had asked for me... just knowing. We had a silent link. I knew what she wanted, I knew what she was thinking, and I knew what she was dreaming of. I knew what broke her heart. I knew her wins, her glory, and her struggles. She never gave up. She fought until the end... And then some. The best of me was in her. We were entwined, synchronized souls. And her departure... her departure was like when you reap away part of a plant taking some roots... Yes, she was planted elsewhere and she has bloomed to perfection in His garden... But here remains the hurting core, whose scar won't stop bleeding, whose zen and balance and cause simply vanished. How not to miss her? How to go on?  How to build around all this charbroiled remains of what we were...

Each day is such a struggle in itself... Our struggle and our journey is not acknowledge by anyone around us. How difficult it is to smile... How difficult it is to follow the senseless rule of fake it until you make it... How little all the mundane things that people around us talk about and complain about means in reality, as everything material has lost its luster in every sense, and all that we have is the mission to keep going, to climb up the rabbit's hole for Deedee's sister... because Kali deserves the same passion and devotion and chance at life like Deedee had. It is twice hard as all our will, energy and dreams were taken in such a wrong way... It all felt wrong, and still does.

One moment in time, our fate and destiny took a new turn. It still feels like we just watched a horror movie, prime time... Special effects that were so real... Reality is a nightmare. So, let's close our eyes... I'll close my eyes, as in dreams we walk with you... My precious. My warrior princess. My sassy diva. My twinkling star. My greatest love.

May your angel wings have such a wide span as to cover us all... Walk with us always...

Loving you and missing you...

Wednesday, July 4, 2018


Deedee's godfather, Steve Sepulveda Ojeda, passed away last February. It has been very hard to acknowledge this fact... Steve was a pillar in Deedee's life. He was always there for her, both during the 5 years that she was with us and after her departure from Earth. He was also our best friend for over 30 years.

Steve was hard on the outside, molten marshmellow on the inside. He went above and beyond to make everyone around him happy. He was Deedee's favorite person, often visiting him in dreams, letting him know that life in Heaven is swell and that she was free of all earthly nuisances...

Steve was my right hand, best friend, partner in crime, coffee mate, ship counselor, brother from another mother. I took long to write this as his death hit me very hard, almost as hard as Deedee's death. The impact of both deaths has taken a big toll on me... Regardless... I had to say it here, as he was so important for Deedee as well... We know they are now having fun out there in Heaven, waiting for us. Both are free.

In the meantime... Here on Earth we miss you both... So much...

Rest in Peace, Uncle Steve. Now you are One with the Force. Give giant hugs to Deedee for us!

Monday, April 23, 2018


Forever guiding our paths...
Always missed.
Loving you, my little star...
I hope time goes fast enough
so you can be in my arms again.