Time has gone by, faster than anyone expected. Six months ago our hearts broke forever. Our little butterfly flied away, leaving behind a world of confusion, loss, barrenness... We know all the beautiful things that she may have gone through after her departure... We know she flew into the light and was welcome by the greatest love there is... We know she was given wings and she now has no boundaries, no limitations, no pain, no illness, no fears. We know she loved nature and now she is part of it all, enjoying cascades and dancing lights and the oldest, biggest trees. She is now able to watch dawns and sunsets, to see all kinds of people and places. She is now everything she ever hoped she could be... beyond her own expectations, beyond her divaliciousness. Forever five... forever innocent and awed at everything that crossed her way... forever a song in our hearts, forever the fuel that ignites our lives bringing inspiration and meaning... Yes, we know all this, and we believe all this with all the strength of our hearts. We smile because we know this is a given truth. Knowledge fuels our logical actions and our "going on". Logic... keeps us together. And knowledge is the rock that our family's foundation always shared... People say we are strong. People say we are amazing... People say we have done so much and gone so far, especially given all circumstances that surrounded us... So much praise... all because of the knowledge of who you are in our lives and where you are now... guiding us, protecting us, inspiring us, leading us, comforting us... So much praise...
Our hearts are broken beyond repair. It's either smile or cry... We go on because we have another little one who needs her parents, and who needs much love and guidance... We go one for her, and although many think we were crazy to do as we had, we did as we had because there were no other options for the little sister... We feel we can live in a cave, and we would rather be away from it all than have to face the daily "nothings" of normal life. There is nothing normal about us. There is nothing normal in our thoughts and our dreams and our expectations. We feel crushed. We feel we failed. We feel life goes on... but it does without us. We feel people don't really grasp the horrible reality of living your life completely for someone... leaving behind everything... learning step by step what real love is... learning step by step what life is all about... and then in a second that someone is gone. Our normal is at another level of awareness... Living, breathing each day without her... hurts. Seeing how treatment and a potential cure for her terminal illness unfolds... hurts. Watching how our beloved peers survive, and miracles keep them alive and possibilities are all spread around them... hurts. It is a continuum of hurt that pierces your soul, engulfs your heart and presses it so hard... and then sneaks up in your mind and haunts you with the images of the so many what if's that were left incomplete. There is no mending our hearts... We smile, because if we cry the rivers would drown us. And in the middle of our despair, we ask ourselves: "What would Deedee sat about this? What she would want us to do?". Oh, we know those answers very well... She would want us to live life like she did. It is that simple... But we don't have instructions on how to make a broken heart live life to the fullest. Deedee... if only you would send us that handbook!
Six months. Deedee has worked some miracles in our life. She makes sure that hope is not lost, that holding on to the knot at the end of the rope actually saves our lives. She must be fluttering around God at all times, telling Him how sparkles make everything better, and how much she misses us. He must send her away to get a small break, giving her the task of looking out for her family... And we imagine she must be so happy doing so! Things are finally starting to move so we get that new beginning that we need... A good job will soon secure a roof for our family. That alone is the biggest blessing of all, after 4 months of being homeless. The gift of caring people around us is another blessing that we appreciate and are grateful for. The gift of keeping our family together and making the little one smile so genuinely is another blessing we are grateful for. The fact that something makes us go forward, re-energizing strength for efforts... re-focusing priorities and life... is another thing we are grateful for.
God has been very busy in our lives. He always was, and He always is. We may not see it right away, but He has a sound plan. And He knows how important it is for us to have angel Deedee around... He knows we need her presence, her aroma, her whispers, her music... her self. He knows that she holds our dreams... our will... our happiness. We are always a family of four. It has been six months and we still don't feel she is gone... If we listen during the silent moments, we'll hear her... opinionated, sassy, know-it-all Deedee... our beloved Diva.
Our broken hearts will be whole when we hold you in our arms again. Until then... keep making magic in our lives. Keep painting smiles in our face, and creating rainbows in our souls. I don't forget the promises... Give us the courage and energy and will to make them so...
Mommy & Daddy
No comments:
Post a Comment